Wednesday, February 27, 2008

    I don't know how to even express what I'm feeling right now!  Since my son died, I have tried to put everything aside to be there for my grandkids and for Amy (Clinton's wife)  I have been there to take care of the kids for the 4 trips that Amy has gone on (without the children)since Clinton died.  The first trip was just 4 weeks after Clinton's accident and it was to see her boyfriend that she had been talking to for at least the last year of her marriage to my son.  By her own admission, she didn't like to do homework with the kids so I have gone and helped with homework since Kaite was in first grade, she is now in 4th.  Amy was never good with money and could never stick with any sort of budget.  I offered to help her with doing the bills, her minister and her mother offered too.  She refused to let anyone "tell her how to run her life and what to do with her money" so none of us has had any input into the finances.  I offered again in September because I saw her continue to spend and spend on foolish stuff that wasn't necessary but she said she had everything under control.  I bit my tongue when just 4 months after my son died she moved her new 22 year old "boy toy" into the home my son worked so hard to provide for her and the children.  I have held her and listened to her cry, I have cleaned her house from top to bottom, I have listened to her rant and rave about things that make her mad and bit my tongue.  I have loved and hugged and been there to hold her children when they cried and cried for their Daddy when she was out running around or busy doing something else and didn't have time to comfort them.  My son died on his job site.  The children each get social security to help with their expenses since they don't have a Dad to provide for them.  Because Clinton was killed doing his job, Amy gets a workman's comp check every week for 10 years.  The check she gets each week is more than I make in a week at the job I have worked at for 27 years!  All but $1400.00 of Clinton's funeral was paid for byworkman's comp.  Amy got a $15,000.00 life insurance check and she told her pastor and me that she would take part of that insurance check and pay the remainder of Clinton's funeral bill and also buy his grave marker, which was going to cost about $1,300.00.  She ordered the grave marker, they actually had it set for 2 weeks and then she argued about it with the people who made it so much that they took it off and told her to go elsewhere.  She had paid some on it and they gave her money back, $400.00.  I had my grandsons all weekend and Sunday evening when I took them home we were sitting in the living room talking.  Amy was playing on her new laptop that she bought at Christmas time.  We were talking about my exhusband (Clinton's Dad), and my granddaughter said something about what kind of car "Papa" said he wanted to buy.  Amy began cussing and yelling and saying if he bought anything before he gave her money so she could get Clinton a grave marker that she would personally run him over with her car.  (which by the way is a brand new toyota highlander, purchased 2 weeks after my son died).  She had mentioned before that no one had ever offered to give her any money at all towards Clinton's funeral or his grave marker.  I was torn about whether I would say something, but decided maybe I would just let it go.  Then she started in again that Clinton's father, his grandmother (my Mom), his Mom (me), his aunts or uncles, no one had ever once offered to help her at all that that was just bull sh**.  Well,  I said in a very controlled and calm voice, "Amy, that is what the life insurance money was for."  She began to tell me that it wasn't that much and she had had to spend it on other things.  I reminded her that workman's comp had paid for most of the funeral and that even if she had paid for the marker she would have had quite a bit of money left.  She screamed that we all were his family and that we should have paid for all of that so she didn't have to worry with it.  I asked her again, "Why would anyone think they should give you money when Clinton provided it to you through a life insurance policy.  That is what that was for."  She yelled and cussed all the way up the stairs and went to her bedroom.  All the while her boyfriend, who hasn't had a job since October, sat there in the living room listening to it all.  I decided that I should go and kissed the kids goodbye.  I went up to her room and hugged her and told her I was sorry but I just didn't agree that anyone owed her anything since she had the money but didn't do with it what she should have.  The next day I talked to her preacher, who is also a friend of mine and was Clinton's best friend.  He said she had called him, told him she had really lost it and told hmi what happened and wanted to know what he thought.  He reminded her that she had told him and me in her living room when she received the insurance check that she would put back enough to pay for the remainder of the funeral and for a grave marker.  He said she agreed that she had said that and also admitted to him that she had made very foolish decisions and had really gotten herself into a financial mess and was having a hard time making ends meet.  He did tell me that she told him that she just needed to cool off and that when I went over there Monday evening to help the kids with homework like I always do she would probably just be somewhere else.  From that conversation, I guessed that I would just go after work as usual and be gone in about 30 minutes before she even came home from work.  I went over there and her step-mother (who gets the kids off the bus and stays until she gets off work) was there as usual.  I helped Isaiah with his spelling and vocabulary and was talking to Kaite when Amy came through the door and I could tell she was really mad.  She was hurrying the kids to get their shoes on because she was going to the gym to workout and they had to get going.  Yes, she joined the gym because she has to get in shape to g to Florida (without the kids,) for 4 days in March and go to StJohn's Island with her boyfriend for a week in May.  I tried to say something to her and she just glared at me then turned and walked away.  I left and when I got home there was a most hateful message on my voicemail telling me that I just needed to stay away from her for awhile and assuring me that she wouldn't keep the kids away from me.  I was really hurt and upset because I wasn't hateful or mean and I didn't say anthing about money she had spent foolishly or anything against her at all.  All I said was that the insurance money should have been used for a grave marker.  Anyway, I called her Tuesday to ask her what I was was supposed to do now.  She told me again that she wouldn't keep the kids from me but that I just needed to stay away from her for awihle.  Now, I have gone everyday to see the kids since Clinton died, except when I was in CT.  I not only help them with stability and homework, they are my lifeline to sanity and she knows it.  I have told her often.  She said I can call them but she won't let me see them right now.  I know in my heart that a lot of her anger which is being directed at me is actually her anger and being upset at herself for making such a mess of things BUT, she is doing the very thing that she knows hurts me the most in the world, keeping me from seeing and holding the kids!!!  I know she is just trying to hurt me and control me because I exposed a raw nerve about the financial mess she has gotten herself in.  The sad thing is, I have stood by her, I have comforted her, I have taken her under my wing since 1993 when she started seeing Clinton.  She isn't an easy person to love but I have given it my very best because my son loved her and she is the mother of my grandchildren and I always hoped I could love her into a happy, well rounded person.  There have only been 3 people in my life that have know my heart and intentionally used it to hurt me as much as possible.  One was my ex-husband, one was my stepmother and now Amy.  I am so hurt and upset but I am also afraid that she has killed any compassion that I have for her.  I will get along with her and I will treat her nicely because I love my grandchildren and would never try to do anything that would cast any shadow on their mom but I am afraid that she has killed any possibility of that mother daughter relationship that we used to have.  I do have her permission to take the kids to my church's spaghetti supper Saturday night and I'm really looking forward to seeing them, in the mean time, I feel like I am dying a slow and agonizing death by not being able to see them like I always do.  What do I do???