venting

So I had already started a journal  entry about what's going on with me and with one quick whatever that happened it was gone and unable to be retrieved. so now I'm just going to write my poor poor pitiful me vent because that's where I'm at.  My med doctor thinks I'm bi polar (my original diagnosis 12 years ago) instead of borderline personality disorder.  So since my current medications aren't working we're going to probably switch them up.  I'm not excited about that. 
I'm feeling totally hopeless with this situation.  If I'm going to keep going back to this apathetic depression what's the point.  I'm not going to spend my life falling into this black hole.  So I don't know what I'm going to do.  Yes I do I just need to do it.  I'm just not doing it.  And that just makes me feel worse.  It's amazing how empowering it is to write that.  Me writing that I know what to do and I'm not doing it sets off something inside of me that wants to fight.  I need that something to stay at the forefront of me.  To keep fighting.  Because right now all I want to do is divorce my husband, give up parental rights to my children, and run away.   live in a state no one would guess I'd live in, rent a studio apartment and do massage therapy for a living.  It would be my life to fuck up as I pleased and it wouldn't hurt anyone else.  But I know the process of leaving would do more damage to my kids than me staying and working this out. 
I hate being sane enough to realize how crazy I am.