Dobreidenne, That was hello in ukrainian. And also the reason i chose red as my font today. One of me Sheroes, Yulia Tymoshenko, ex ukrainian prime minister, who got fired, and went into opposition, is going to get her job back, and it only took her two years of political maneuvering to do it...my kind of woman !! this is the color of her political party Byut. a red heart and white. It has been a while since i wrote an entry..i am wigging out over my upcoming meeting with first lady. My aunt is going to come for support. But i am so nervous because i don't have any semblance of an idea of what is about to go down, and that lack of control is killing me.I just realized just how paralyzing my need to control everything is. It makes me work alot harder than i have to. For instance at work, i am more apt to say " i'll do it" even if it makes more work for me, just so i know it'll be done right.I can't wait..friday is pay day, and i need to hit the mall...i need clothes that fit...all of my clothes are too big for me, and i am bumming off of my 12 yr.old sister..that is lame... You know the weird thing..i see tons of womens clothing that i would love to wear, and since my style is office chic, i see cute tops and suits and things, but i can't fit them, but here is the catch..i am terrified of having the womanly body i would need to fit those clothes....crazy i know.Does anyone ever look at women who are at a healthy weight, and think Oh she is gorgeous, i would love to have a body like that? It is weird but i do that, and the crazy part about it, is i am thinner than the women whose bodies i like..but yet i can't like mine???? I have been doing somewhat better...I have been eating some cheez it crackers in the morning, and then having liquid throughout the day. No real "food" but i am just in a funk right now, where food looks disgusting to me, and i just cannot bring myself to eat anything other than my allotment of 12 cheez it's...here is the dichotomy of all this weird eating disorder craziness... I LOVE TO COOK ..I have this love for cooking for my family, and i do cuisines as well, they tell me i should be going into culinary arts...isn't that funny? And the sad part is, i haven't tasted my creations, i know it is good, by their pseudo-orgasm sounds they make as the fork deposits the food into their mouths. ***Lauren**** On that getting to know you questionnaire..funny story..the part about the "last thing you ate" i said something like baby back ribs, fries and salad..That was not true...it was cheez it's and hot chocolate !!! i was on the phone with my friend while doing the questions, and she was saying she had just come from chili's and she told me what she had, and weirdly enough, i typed it, without realizing it. i love all of you,~kay~
Replies
Hey, when I read that you ate baby back ribs, fries, and a salad, I was like \"wow, thta\'s pretty good for someone with an ED.\" That\'s funny.
I have the same thoughts and feelings as you. I always seclothes in womens sizes and wish I could wear them, but yet I am so afraid to have the body to wear them. I feel comforted in my size 12 chilrens size jeans.
I always see women and wish I looked like them and yeah, they are all probably at least 30 pounds heavier then me. I know I have a stick thin, ugly body, but weight gain is just too terrifying for me.
I have to go take my daughter to school, before she\'s late, but I might come back later to write more. I can relate to just about everything you wrote. Take care, girl.
Dobre dzien? That\'s totally cool that you\'re active in politics like that. So many people are just ignorant. (Myself included sometimes.)
I am the SAME way about health weight women. I know I don\'t look good and get looks for my saggy clothes. Yuck. It\'s embarrassing to be searching racks of clothing in the kids\' section- I get a lot of weird looks when I go to try them on. Yack.
I actually thought of going to culinary school myself- how ironic, eh?
Think about why you don\'t like yourself enough to fed your body-your inside? Outside-hair is styled-nails are painted. Why know matter what you take on you need to take on more. Filling up the outside life blocking the inside life. The empty feeling that hides inside-it\'s pretty deep. It will take a lot of searching and action to recover but it is possible!
hugs-khodem
I think a lot of peopl ehave control issues. I know that, for me, my need to control things results in my anxiety attacks. Learning to \"let go\" has helped me so much. i haven\'t had an out-of-contol, full-blown panic attack since Februaryt. (Excuse me while I toot my horn! LOL)
I really hope that you can find a way to let go a bit, to learn to enjoy life , and food, of course. I know you have amazing freams and I really believe that the only thing standing between you and those dreams is your ED. Another GREAT reason to conquer that ED monster... though it is not a better reason than repairing your health, obviously.
*hug*
LMAO...thats too funny that u typed what ur friend ate...sounds like wishful thinking....and omg i used to cook all sorts of yummy caloric creations for my family...without having any myself....and yes yes yes, i do look at other women and think...holy shit her body is kick ass...and the thing is these women have asses, and fill out their clothes nicely....and i will not allow this for myself.....