D-day !! i got a response email from first lady, and she told me to call and set up a meeting. I am just waiting for holly ( her assistant) to call me with the day and time. I am very nervous i must say. I have just actually realized, that the words " i have an eating disorder" have never come out of my mouth.. neither have the words " anorexia or bulimia." I don't know why, but i cannot seem to bring myself to say those words... weird.As far as my parents go, they are trying to force feed, and just today, my dad brought me some krispy kreme donuts. I was disgusted. I did have one, to pacify him, but i then went out for a 5 mile rollerblade session. I cannot articulate how scared i am, i just honestly feel like " what have i done?" the minute i sent that email, i wanted to take it back. I wanted so badly to undo the events that i have set into motion. My aunt posed and interesting question to me : " do you really want to get better?" and i do, more than anything i do, but there is this paralyzing fear that i cannot explain, that is keeping me stuck. I am hoping for the best...
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I\'m so proud that you\'re asking for help! It shows way more strength to reach out than to stay hidden in the illness. And I relate to having a hard time saying the words... I\'ve been out about my problems for a few years now and I still don\'t feel comfortable spitting the words out.
I wrote you a loooong comment earlier. I don\'t know why it didn\'t post! I will try to remember it...
First of all; the voice that wishes you could take it back is NOT you. that is the voice of your ED. That is the part of your mind that is ill. That is NOT who you are. The person you are has struggled, over the last few months, to seek help and recovery. You are stronger than your eating disorder. You have shown that time and time again, by seeking help.
Also, I want to take a minute to address your fears about church. Listen, you are a Christian, and you know that churches are not full of perfect people. Churches are full of flawed people, who are seeking to be an idealized version of themselves. It doesn\'t mean that they should beat themselves up if they aren\'t that idealized, perfect person! Every single day that you fight to get better, you are a stronger, better person. Every single time that you admit your faults, you are a stronger, better person. Every single time that you realize that it is okay to be imperfect, you are a stronger, better person.
It\'s the journey that counts -- not the destination. It\'s what you learn by just TRYING to be a better person that really matters. You will to open your heart to forgiveness for others AND for yourself.
I think you will be more respected by the other church members, because of your honesty. It\'s easy to be seemingly \"perfect\", if you have never had to struggle. But anyone who seems so perfect just might not be honest with themselves. It takes courage, strength and wisdom to attempt to be a better YOU than you already are! Especially if your road is difficult. *hug*
im so glad that you have reached out for help and you shouldnt feel like your position within the church will be compromised, becuase your reaching out for help - and to the church of all places - thats the sign of a true beleiver. to beleive , no matter how frustrated or scared you are -that through your religion you can heal yourself. really great to hear.
im the same , in that, i could never actually say i have an e.d or even wrose, bulimia. in fact that first time i said it was on here -and that was only typing it and it took me like two mins to actually type in ont o the page because i dunno - i just couldnt deal with it. i think part of it was worrying that if i acknowledged it, i would give it more power over me and that frightened me to no end. still have issues \'speaking it\' but the more i push muself, the more ill become more accepting and more likely to recover i suppose.
the crispy kremee thing would just scare me.
i know your dad, thinks he\'s got the right idea, but i can tell he doesnt understand the mind of a person with an e.d
everyone who doesnt understand seems to think the soloution is to just feed to fatty /unhealthy food to make you gain weight quickly, when really that is bound to cause disaseter
im glad you ate it though becuase it means you can \'normalise\' food even if it is under peer /adult preasure.
sending you lots of love and luck
ninny
xoxoox