bonjour tous mes chéris..hello all my darlingsYesterday was quite fabulous i should say. I got my hair done, and now i feel luxurious. When i came home, my mother had dinner prepared. She is starting to piss me off with these family dinners. This is disruptive to my plans to be 80 lbs. I ate a turkey burger, and purged Today i am starting my be a blessing campaign. i am going to do something nice for my family everyday, today i am going to do what i love..clean and cook. i find it funny how i am an excellent cook, ( i took classes with my grandma,) and yet i can't eat. I find that dichotomy to be so intriguing. I love to do cuisine especially italian and french.I have started to tell myself that nothing is wrong with me, that my anorexia is a lifestyle, not a problem...That is my way of trying to feel less guilty for what i do. I want help, but since i don't foresee that happening right now,because my parents think force feeding me is going to do the trick, i am going to just have to try to be okay. I know for sure when i get to 80, i will be happy, because it is a goal, and i am always happy when i accomplish something that i have set my heart on.My new positivity kick is working out rather nicely. I am starting to see the world in a whole new way, and get this ... my mom and i actually had fun together!! wow. Yep, so i knew that my new attitude would eventually rub off, it is just taking a little while.
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I think it is WONDERFUL that you are trying to be positive. More people should try to see the world from that point of view. I usually try to, and I try to tell others to do the same. However... trying to see your eating disorder from a positive point is dangerous. You are willfully misleading yourself, and I know that you already know that what I am saying is true. Your ED is NOT a lifestyle; it is a dangerous disease, and it will eventually kill you, if you let yourself believe otherwise. I am not trying to sound dramatic, but it\'s really scary to me, when I read these things.
On the other hand, I am REALLY happy that you don\'t sugarcoat the truth, when you post on DS. You should feel free to post what you really think and fell, and i hope my posts never make you want to stop posting what you think and feel. I just don\'t want you to delude yourself, and that\'s what you are doing right now. So, as a friend, I really feel like I have to tell you the truth. Please remember that I only do it because I care.
I think that your parents\' lack of action has given you a false sense of permission to continue to become more and more ill. I think that your parents are a bit ignorant about your ED. I also think that the \"family dinners\" are their attempt to make sure you are eating. If you really want to recover though, then you need to tell them that it doesn\'t matter HOW MUCH they make you eat, because the second you get the opportunity, you purge.
*hug* I love you sweetie, and I hope you will continue to fight for recovery.