I can honestly say that i am giving this recovery thing a try. I have been trying to eat, but i throw it up afterward. I don't know why, i just can't handle having food in my stomach, like i feel like a failure and i just get really on edgeI am hoping that one day  i will be able to eat like a normal person, but it feels so far away. I promised myself i would keep the food down that i ate, i had an egg and a bagel. I panicked and purged. I went as long as i could but i just felt so bad, that i had no choice. I have to find some way to get myself out of this mess, but i just do not see a way out. There is part of my being that just wants recovery so bad, but then at the same time, there is this part that says just give up, this has been your life for ten years, so get used to it. i am 21, and i have so many things i want to do. I have two yrs. left for my BA, then i want to go to law school, then get my masters in international relations. It is my hope to one day work as an ambassador. I know i can do it, i am fluent in 5 languages, but yet this road block labeled eating disorder is going to keep me from accomplishing that. I know if i don't change i will never see law school, or an ambassadorship. I need help, but i am so scared of the future, that this offers me comfort, at least i am in control of the now...i know it doesn't make sense, but i am at my wits end and i am on the precipice of health, yet i can't reach it.