Update

Well, I have cried the last 3 days in a row at least a little.  Sometimes I just can't help it but it is okay.  It is venting some of the sadness and pain.  It was not a despairing crying which is very good.  Sometimes I just feel so very very sad.  It is mostly when I am working.  When I am alone.  I think, and think, and think.  I have more and more times nowadays when I feel happy and peaceful which I could not have imagined a few months ago, but it goes back and forth.  Instability.  I feel there is much to work out within me and in all the thinking I am either working it out and it is a good thing or I am just wallowing around in it and it is a bad thing.  Sometimes I just don't know which it is.  time, time, time.  I know this takes time.  It is getting easier.  Sometimes I just don't know what to do with my feelings about it all and I don't know how I got so far away from myself that I would do such a thing and I don't know how I will ever feel healed from it.  I can't imagine.  Or how I will ever feel safe again.  Safe with myself.  I could not hope for any more from H. We are both giving all we have to this process of recovery and rebuilding and for that I am thankful.  So I say to myself, strive on....strive on.