Progress
3 weeks after DDay. I feel I am making progress. As the CS I have to decide what my goal is. What am I progressing towards? 1)First and foremost to never let that happen again. 2)To change the way of thinking that got me in this mess to begin with. 3) To become spiritually strong again. 4)If I have a legitimate sex addiction to learn how to cope with it safely. 5) Have an amazing relationship with my husband. To recapture some of how we were when we were dating.
More goals may come to me but those are some good ones. I spend much time thinking each day and I am trying to direct some of that thinking time towards God. When I think things over through Him it helps me have right thinking and keeps me from rolling around in the wrong thought patterns for too long.
I have much to deal with to change my way of thinking and deal with my feelings of guilt and pain. I hurt people. OM is hurting. I have no contact but I know. I am not supposed to care but I do; what matters much more than that is that I did a horrible and despicable thing to my H. I hurt him worse than anybody or anything else probably ever could have. He didn't deserve that. I have always loved him. I split myself. I compartmentalized. I tried living two lives. I shut myself down spiritually.
I believe there are many reasons that worked together that led me to what I did. Midlife Crisis? yes. Sex addiction brought on by an event? Yes. One thing led to another? Yes. Temporary insanity? Certainly. I kind of spelled those out in my first Journal. I have been feeling myself slowly waking up since DDay. More and more all the time. coming back to myself. Coming back spiritually. I do take responsibility for what I did and I will do all I can for the restoration and healing of myself and my marriage.
More goals may come to me but those are some good ones. I spend much time thinking each day and I am trying to direct some of that thinking time towards God. When I think things over through Him it helps me have right thinking and keeps me from rolling around in the wrong thought patterns for too long.
I have much to deal with to change my way of thinking and deal with my feelings of guilt and pain. I hurt people. OM is hurting. I have no contact but I know. I am not supposed to care but I do; what matters much more than that is that I did a horrible and despicable thing to my H. I hurt him worse than anybody or anything else probably ever could have. He didn't deserve that. I have always loved him. I split myself. I compartmentalized. I tried living two lives. I shut myself down spiritually.
I believe there are many reasons that worked together that led me to what I did. Midlife Crisis? yes. Sex addiction brought on by an event? Yes. One thing led to another? Yes. Temporary insanity? Certainly. I kind of spelled those out in my first Journal. I have been feeling myself slowly waking up since DDay. More and more all the time. coming back to myself. Coming back spiritually. I do take responsibility for what I did and I will do all I can for the restoration and healing of myself and my marriage.
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