Depression
I've still been feeling off the past few weeks. I've chalked it up to the aftershocks of the A mostly. Maybe being out of work is also contributing to it. But then I realized the other day that I am in a depression. Not as bad as the one I related to in a post many years ago. But I'm experiencing some of the same symptoms as I did then, like trouble getting things done. Doing anything but what I need to work on. It's weird, because I'm unemployed, and I have this big list of things I need to do. Yet, I can't seem to "find time" to get them done. Which is crazy because I used to get that stuff done with a full time job.
And then it hit me. What may be the main reason. Because there are several stresses I could name off. Dealing with the losses of the A. Being unemployed. Having an extra five people move into our living room for the next three months (been here almost a month now). But then I realized my issue that is probably affecting me most.
As many who've read what I've written know, I'm a writer. I have some published fantasy and sci-fi books out. Before dday, I spent every waking bit of free time working on it. Writing new stuff. When dday hit, that all got put on the back burner. It wasn't until about three months after dday I did anything significant with my writing at all. Mostly did final editing on a book and got it published in August of last year. Since then, I wrote about 10K words on a new novel for National Novel Writing Month in March. My most productive time was October, when I wrote a non-fiction book and got it finished and published in Nov. And recently I did some edits on a book my publisher wants to publish this summer.
But I've hardly written anything new. In the months that came after dday, I couldn't even bring myself to write anything new at all. The only thing I did was write about three blog posts. But as far as novels or even short stories, nada. Then when I did finally start writing again, I thought, "Oh good. Maybe I'll be able to get back into this now." And while there was a month or two of activity there, that was it. I've not done anything new at all. I need to. I now have all this time unemployed I could be working on it like a full time job, but I don't.
And I'm beginning to fear that my writing career and hopes may end up being a casualty of the A. And I can't hardly bear that. I've spent the last seven years working toward establishing myself as a writer, in hopes I could be making a living on it in my retirement years (because I'll not have much else coming in aside from social security). And I really enjoy writing.
But now, over nine months later, I still find it hard to sit down and write something. Even get other writing related task done. Like I have a book I want to get out, and I'm just dabbling with it in bits and pieces. And I'm feeling like I'm losing something that was important to me.
Now, for some here, they may not understand. I know I've been called sexist for saying this by someone, but studies have shown this to be true. Not that it is black and white. It is really a mixture. But in general, men gain their purpose in life from what they do, while women gain it from their relationships. Naturally some will not fit that generalization, thus the label that it is a generalization. But I say that because someone who gets their purpose in life primarily from their relationships may not understand fully someone who gets them primarily from their career or what they do.
I had been a pastor, as some of you know. When I converted to a different religion, that all ended. And I stayed in limbo for nine years asking God what should I do. What is it that I should devote my life to. Now, I had a wife and kids. And yes, I should have paid them much more attention that I did. But being the introvert I am, that wasn't where I felt my purpose was.
And that's the conflict I've always had. I feel my relationships are important. I feel like I should be getting my purpose for life from my wife and kids. I mean, my career is really all about supporting them, not about making me feel good about myself. I have a job so I can keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. My wife does the same.
When I stopped being a pastor, I ended up being a bookkeeper. I thought of it as a temporary job. While it provided, and I was good at it, I didn't particularly care for it. I didn't feel it was meaningful enough of a job. It didn't feel like it had any purpose. And I look at my wife, she cleans houses. I can see she doesn't gain her purpose for life from cleaning houses. Not to belittle certain jobs, they are needed and important, but I always felt I wanted to do something with my life, something that mattered.
So when I started writing in 2005 and learned I liked it, and I felt some real purpose in writing, it was as if I had found what I should be doing with my life. I invested myself into it, because I felt I was gaining some real purpose back into my life after so many years of feeling like I was wandering. I couldn't have been more happier to finally have a purposeful goal to invest myself in again.
Now, I fear and feel that it is slipping away. I kept telling myself I would get back into it. I would get past the shock of the A, the obsessive focus, and get back to writing. But the longer this goes on with me not going there, the more I fear it will never come back. That I've changed as a person and that purpose is no longer there for me.
But I want it to be there. I don't want to lose that in the new normal. I don't want that to become a casualty of the A. But I fear it is, and I think it is losing that which is causing me to feel more depressed. Which of course doesn't help me to get back into it either.
So instead of feeling I have purpose, now I feel like I'm just living life, it is passing me by, and I'm just going through each day. Nothing really important happening.
But that feeling doesn't mean I don't think the relationship, improved in many ways, with my wife isn't important. My family is important to me. And as I've said, if it is between my wife and my writing, I'll chose my wife. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to experience a big loss if I do lose my writing. I'll feel like I'll lose out on what I felt I could invest my life into and do something that would mean something to someone.
But maybe that is unhealthy. Maybe I only fool myself into thinking I need to feel my life has purpose. I remember seeing my step-dad come home from delivering produce, sitting in front of the TV, with my mom, and doing that every day. And I knew I couldn't live like that. My life had to mean more than just getting through each day, doing some task that while it may do something for someone one, had no lasting value. He'd have to deliver another set of potatoes to the same place next week, and the next week, and the next week, until he became too old to do it anymore. And the only thing to show for it is someone ate them.
I have this fear, that while my feelings are telling me that to have purpose in life I need to do something that really matters, I'm missing what matters most. My family. In my head I acknowledge that they are most important, and without them, the rest of this means nothing. But then that sounds like co-dependance, doesn't it?
But no matter what my head tells me, what I feel is if I don't do something that I feel fills a real meaningful need in helping people, in a way that I'm gifted to do it, then I'll just drift through life, accomplishing nothing of significance, and my life will have meant little to nothing. I will feel like I've wasted my life.
I still hold out hope that I'll get back into the swing of writing, but it is hard. I think internally I still fear getting lost in my own world and coming up for air to find she's done it again because I was so focused on my writing that she felt neglected and found comfort in another man's arms.
I guess somehow I need to feel reassured from her that I can do that and it won't end up there. What that is, I don't know. She's doing all she can. Or maybe it is just taking a lot longer to get there than I thought it would. That it may not be until another few months I'll be able to get back into it like I used to.
We'll see. Thanks for reading my rambling musings over my situation. I like to write my thoughts out. It helps to organize them and make me think them through a little more fully.
And then it hit me. What may be the main reason. Because there are several stresses I could name off. Dealing with the losses of the A. Being unemployed. Having an extra five people move into our living room for the next three months (been here almost a month now). But then I realized my issue that is probably affecting me most.
As many who've read what I've written know, I'm a writer. I have some published fantasy and sci-fi books out. Before dday, I spent every waking bit of free time working on it. Writing new stuff. When dday hit, that all got put on the back burner. It wasn't until about three months after dday I did anything significant with my writing at all. Mostly did final editing on a book and got it published in August of last year. Since then, I wrote about 10K words on a new novel for National Novel Writing Month in March. My most productive time was October, when I wrote a non-fiction book and got it finished and published in Nov. And recently I did some edits on a book my publisher wants to publish this summer.
But I've hardly written anything new. In the months that came after dday, I couldn't even bring myself to write anything new at all. The only thing I did was write about three blog posts. But as far as novels or even short stories, nada. Then when I did finally start writing again, I thought, "Oh good. Maybe I'll be able to get back into this now." And while there was a month or two of activity there, that was it. I've not done anything new at all. I need to. I now have all this time unemployed I could be working on it like a full time job, but I don't.
And I'm beginning to fear that my writing career and hopes may end up being a casualty of the A. And I can't hardly bear that. I've spent the last seven years working toward establishing myself as a writer, in hopes I could be making a living on it in my retirement years (because I'll not have much else coming in aside from social security). And I really enjoy writing.
But now, over nine months later, I still find it hard to sit down and write something. Even get other writing related task done. Like I have a book I want to get out, and I'm just dabbling with it in bits and pieces. And I'm feeling like I'm losing something that was important to me.
Now, for some here, they may not understand. I know I've been called sexist for saying this by someone, but studies have shown this to be true. Not that it is black and white. It is really a mixture. But in general, men gain their purpose in life from what they do, while women gain it from their relationships. Naturally some will not fit that generalization, thus the label that it is a generalization. But I say that because someone who gets their purpose in life primarily from their relationships may not understand fully someone who gets them primarily from their career or what they do.
I had been a pastor, as some of you know. When I converted to a different religion, that all ended. And I stayed in limbo for nine years asking God what should I do. What is it that I should devote my life to. Now, I had a wife and kids. And yes, I should have paid them much more attention that I did. But being the introvert I am, that wasn't where I felt my purpose was.
And that's the conflict I've always had. I feel my relationships are important. I feel like I should be getting my purpose for life from my wife and kids. I mean, my career is really all about supporting them, not about making me feel good about myself. I have a job so I can keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. My wife does the same.
When I stopped being a pastor, I ended up being a bookkeeper. I thought of it as a temporary job. While it provided, and I was good at it, I didn't particularly care for it. I didn't feel it was meaningful enough of a job. It didn't feel like it had any purpose. And I look at my wife, she cleans houses. I can see she doesn't gain her purpose for life from cleaning houses. Not to belittle certain jobs, they are needed and important, but I always felt I wanted to do something with my life, something that mattered.
So when I started writing in 2005 and learned I liked it, and I felt some real purpose in writing, it was as if I had found what I should be doing with my life. I invested myself into it, because I felt I was gaining some real purpose back into my life after so many years of feeling like I was wandering. I couldn't have been more happier to finally have a purposeful goal to invest myself in again.
Now, I fear and feel that it is slipping away. I kept telling myself I would get back into it. I would get past the shock of the A, the obsessive focus, and get back to writing. But the longer this goes on with me not going there, the more I fear it will never come back. That I've changed as a person and that purpose is no longer there for me.
But I want it to be there. I don't want to lose that in the new normal. I don't want that to become a casualty of the A. But I fear it is, and I think it is losing that which is causing me to feel more depressed. Which of course doesn't help me to get back into it either.
So instead of feeling I have purpose, now I feel like I'm just living life, it is passing me by, and I'm just going through each day. Nothing really important happening.
But that feeling doesn't mean I don't think the relationship, improved in many ways, with my wife isn't important. My family is important to me. And as I've said, if it is between my wife and my writing, I'll chose my wife. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to experience a big loss if I do lose my writing. I'll feel like I'll lose out on what I felt I could invest my life into and do something that would mean something to someone.
But maybe that is unhealthy. Maybe I only fool myself into thinking I need to feel my life has purpose. I remember seeing my step-dad come home from delivering produce, sitting in front of the TV, with my mom, and doing that every day. And I knew I couldn't live like that. My life had to mean more than just getting through each day, doing some task that while it may do something for someone one, had no lasting value. He'd have to deliver another set of potatoes to the same place next week, and the next week, and the next week, until he became too old to do it anymore. And the only thing to show for it is someone ate them.
I have this fear, that while my feelings are telling me that to have purpose in life I need to do something that really matters, I'm missing what matters most. My family. In my head I acknowledge that they are most important, and without them, the rest of this means nothing. But then that sounds like co-dependance, doesn't it?
But no matter what my head tells me, what I feel is if I don't do something that I feel fills a real meaningful need in helping people, in a way that I'm gifted to do it, then I'll just drift through life, accomplishing nothing of significance, and my life will have meant little to nothing. I will feel like I've wasted my life.
I still hold out hope that I'll get back into the swing of writing, but it is hard. I think internally I still fear getting lost in my own world and coming up for air to find she's done it again because I was so focused on my writing that she felt neglected and found comfort in another man's arms.
I guess somehow I need to feel reassured from her that I can do that and it won't end up there. What that is, I don't know. She's doing all she can. Or maybe it is just taking a lot longer to get there than I thought it would. That it may not be until another few months I'll be able to get back into it like I used to.
We'll see. Thanks for reading my rambling musings over my situation. I like to write my thoughts out. It helps to organize them and make me think them through a little more fully.
Replies
You are going to be ok! Being uninspired is pretty much normal for all people , it is just writers that have it worse - you can\'t produce a painting or a novel without inspiration.
I would really like it of you could go and meet new people. I am on vacation rout now and seeing and meeting new people, observing new places is so good.
Besides, new season is coming. All will be well.
If you want some inspiration I can tell you some stories lol
Cole, I just told someone the other day that one of the things I noticed was that my house was cleaner when I was working all the time, than it is when I am not. I think it\'s because when I was working all the time, and running kids all the time when they were younger, I had only so much time to get things done and was always in a mad frenzy running around doing laundry and dishes and floors etc. Not working and being home all day its like, eh, I\'ll do it later, it\'ll still be here, I\'ll be here. Problem is later gets pushed back n back until house looks like a tornado hit, and then I\'m depressed because house is a mess( I do better in clean environment) and then because I\'m depressed that house is messy, I\'m not motivated to clean it. LOL see, a vicious circle!
But then, when I do get my act together and get house all cleaned up again,, ahh its like a high and a tranquilizer all rolled into one,,,ahhhhhh
LOL
Be glad you found your passion. I am certain it will return, it is not a casualty, it\'s just on the injured list :)
I have spent my whole life taking care of everyone else. My siblings when I was young. My kids, my h, and both of my parents. My mom literally while she was dying, and my dad\'s second business when my uncle who ran it was funneling all the profits into his pockets, and then had several heartattacks and couldnt work. I stepped in and ran the place and turned huge profits.
Don\'t get me wrong, I love my family. I am glad I have been able to stay home the majority of my kids\' growing up years to raise them. i am glad to have been able to take care of and help out other family members when they needed it.
But now my baby is 16 almost 17. I need to find my passion and start taking care of me. And I am so overwhelmed by it.. I swear there are like 500 things that interest me, lol. I still don\'t know what I want to be when I grow up:) Ha!
Back to you, my little nugget of advice, for what it\'s worth is this: go back to the beginning. Do the writing exercises you used to do in school, a combination of brainstorming and free association. Even use pencil and paper if that helps you get more into it as opposed to computer. But sit down, maybe even in a different place than you normally do you writing and start something like this :
How now brown cow? The cow jumped over the moon. But did the cow really jump over the moon? I don\'t think the cow did jump over the moon , unless it was a magic cow. Was it a magic cow? I wonder what kind of special powers a magic cow has? Obviously jumping over the moon, but what else? I guess running away with a spoon? And what kind of spoon can run?.........................
lmao see where I\'m going? just be silly, don\'t try to write your story, just exercise your mind and your skills, it will come back :)
I could have written KG\'s, post to a T. I have been unemployed now for 3 YEARS! 3 LONG years! In that time, you\'d think that my house would sparkle fro m so much cleaning - ha! Not even close! Trying to find my nitch in like has been a burdensome task. I was an avid DYIier. Now - no inspiration at all. I went back to school, graduated with honors in the medical field and then went back again this past November to obtain my phlebotomy license - which I also passed. Where does that leave me? Yes, I skim over the daily job postings - but actually applying to them? A handful at best. There\'s a part of me that feels like I\'m not qualified for these positions. I shouldnt feel that way - after all I did pass, right? And the other part is not feeling that this is the path I was meant to take. So where and what do I do now? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I could blame part of it on the A -but that happened 1/2 through me being unemployed. It\'s me - I need to find that purpose - something that makes me look forward to waking up each and every day full of promise and positive vibes.
How does this relate to you Cole? For the very same reason - you\'re struggling to find what makes your life meaningful. I believe after reading your post that this was God\'s way of opening my own eyes up. To see that all I have been doing is sustaining my life - not living it. I used to love scrapbooking - took 2 trips a year with my girlfriends just so we could do it. Heck - I even did it as a side business and loved it. My loss of interest in it is a direct causality of my H\'s A. I was at one of my retreats when he went away TOW. It\'s forever tarnished and I don\'t really look forward to it anymore. But God has told me that I need to revive it again. Have my passion back. And for you - that\'s you\'re writing. It does not gonna happen over night - but the 1st step is recognizing that you lost it and that you want it back. I\'m here to support you every step of the way.
I too think that God put this in my life to see what I was made of. My life has been pretty easy. The sequence of events has been pretty linear: good grades, college, grad school, same job for 15 years, husband, 2.4 children (counting my dog as the 0.4 :). Sometimes I think He said, \"I know you can do more, you are capable of more. Show me what ya got! You think you have unconditional love for your husband and kids? Take THIS! Now love the bastard!\" (Okay, maybe God didn\'t say \"bastard.\")
Anyways, KG took my idea (and said it much better). What I was going to say is WRITE! Just write, write, write. Maybe you\'ll find new depth in your writing as you\'ve explored parts of your being that I bet you didn\'t know existed before. (But no pressure...just words on paper.)
Hugs to you, Cole. You\'re a superhero!
I had the opposite happen. I\'ve got a BA in English with an emphasis in creative writing. What did I do with it? Got into market research. Not even the creative stuff like with the splashy witty ads and commercials, but the more cerebral, mundane survey writing and focus group stuff. Not that surveys didn\'t require clever wording, like trying to tell a Japanese client about the nuance of \"flashy\" isn\'t a positive one to describe a car. But for the most part, after I left market research and jumped into the student services field, my most creative writing got stuffed and compartmentalized into the mold of writing perfectly worded business letters to students about why their outside college credits didn\'t transfer into our college. How I can relate to thinking how twenty years from now, my stupid letters weren\'t going to make a difference to anybody.
After dday, it\'s like an explosion of writing streaks hit me. It\'s calmed down some, but I\'m thinking it\'s a part of what my mind needs to do in order to help me process my feelings and incoming information as I struggle through this. The key here is feelings, I think. My Asian culture emphasizes repression of feelings. And while slogging through all those upper division writing classes, I knew that even at 3 AM in the morning with a deadline to write twenty more pages by class start at 8 AM, my thoughts and feelings would show through regardless of the bleary-eyed drivel I\'d put out. That\'s when my Asian inhibitions went out the window because I really didn\'t give a damn at that point.
Writer\'s block is not a stranger to me. But oddly enough, in my feminist literature and writing courses, I found some powerful techniques to help me out of binds. Perhaps you can try these exercises:
Write a story using other people\'s words:
Pull out any and all sources of words like the Bible, album lyrics, novels, recipes, poetry books, self-help books, small appliance instruction manuals, etc. Choose a starter sentence from one source. Choose the rest of the subsequent sentences from all of your other sources.
Example: Our writing group chose to start with \"Frank hung up his wild years on a nail he drove through his wife\'s forehead.\" which came from Tom Waits\' \"Frank\'s Wild Years.\" We changed the tenses and names only. So another sentence came from the Bible, \"Jesus wept.\" And we changed it to \"Frank wept.\" So there you go from there.
Take a paragraph from a source (can be outside source or your own writing) and expand on it:
You don\'t expand on it in the usual way by adding a sentence after it, nope. You make a systematic addition by inserting three sentences in every third/fourth word of your source text.
Example: I am a writer. ---> I am a (terribly distraught mother of two and I can\'t seem to get a break in life.) (Sometimes, I like to think I\'d change careers and become a ) writer.
Make lists:
This one is fun. I sat there late one evening in my bedroom with a looming deadline and I had to come up with lists. Oh, the obvious grocery list was so blahhhh. I stared and realized that I could list the items in my closet. I wrote about the color, texture, style, when I got it, who gave it to me, who I was with when I bought it, where I bought it, what was going on in my life at the time... etc. That\'s pretty self-explanatory, right?
Those are the exercises that I was assigned to help me write. The whole angle, I think, was to take the focus away from the actual pressure of putting something \"good\" out there and concentrate instead on the mechanics of writing stuff to make it fit to the confines of the exercise. Everything else followed.
I wish I had followed a career path that involved more creative writing, but my energies got sucked into family, children, jobs that paid the bills. I understand not feeling like I made a difference... that my voice will disappear into obscurity. And if I\'m lucky, someone will find my wriitng posthumously and publish it like Emily Dickinson\'s work, lol. But looking at the kids, they are my investment into the future. I think of my dad, the second son of his family, who left seminary because he was given a boat ticket by his dad to find his fortune in the United States. He became a gardener, like so many in his generation and he worked hard so his kids would have a better life. I\'m sure he was disapointed, but his efforts paid off with me and I\'m sure because of my efforts my kids will win the Nobel Peace Prize, lol.
Seriously, though. Methinks God\'s message to you is to allow for more human, less Vulcan. He threw a wrench into your spokes for a reason. I haven\'t read your Sci Fi stuff, but I suspect it doesn\'t dive too much into your characters\' emotions?
Ray Bradbury wrote politically relevant stuff. Isaac Asimov was a futurist with amazing imagination. Douglas Adams brought satirically funny views to a normally cut and dry genre. I think perhaps it\'s time for you to step it up and use this latest experience to reach your readers on an emotional level like never before?
Just my rambling thoughts. :)
Thanks, everyone for the input. It helps to know I\'m not the only one who experiences this feeling that I\'m just going along, getting nothing \"important\" done.
I think in time I\'ll get back to writing more. I just didn\'t think it would take this long. Here\'s what I tend to do. I have a list of things I want to accomplish, or need to accomplish. When I\'m depressed, I\'ll end up doing something other than that, something I really am drawn to doing, to avoid doing those things that I should do.
Well, writing was in the later category for me before the A. Now it is in the first. I think that is what is bothering me. I\'m praying it will go back to being something I\'ve driven to do. But right now, though I want it to happen, I\'m not feeling drawn to it as I used to be.
So this seems more to me than simple writer\'s block. I\'ve actually, rarely had a problem with that. This is more like an internal drive/desire that was there before, and now doesn\'t seem to be. This is like when I played tennis in high school. When there was a nice day outside, I hated to be holed up in the house. I wanted to be on the court playing. But I couldn\'t.
I\'ve actually thought about that, shtmyhbdid. That these experiences could help me get more depth into my writing. Actually, I focus a lot on emotions in my writing. I\'m probably not the best at it, but I know you have to create an emotional response in the reader. There has to be that tension of some kind, and then the release. The reader of fiction is looking for an emotional release through another person. And I think I\'ve accomplished that a good deal. But perhaps this will make it deeper, once I get back into it firmly.
Thanks, everyone, for the support.
It\'s definitely the common casualty of having a \'lazy day\' or having depression. A body in motion tends to stay in motion. Having had depression for most of my life, the initial push to do the things I don\'t wanna do is obviously the hardest. I\'ve fallen into the hole where when your depressed, you ONLY do the things that make you happy. You have to find a balance, or so I believe.
I don\'t really see 9 months as being a very long time. You\'ve been married for 30 years. Of course this is going to affect you for an extended period of time. I would say try not to put too much pressure on yourself to write. It will come. I agree with many of the posts here that possibly experiencing new things or going out more might spark that imagination.
I think people who have depression, or experiencing a period of depression yearn more for a purpose than say the normal person. My therapist and I discussed this once. Of course a lot of men desire a strong meaningful career, but I think that feeling you have is also a symptom of depression.
Thanks for your perspective JW. Helpful. :)
Cole, I read your journal yesterday but it takes me a while to get complete thoughts enough to write and follow. You wrote alot of what I am familiar with. The past 30 + years working,kids now a grand child, one purpose I had was art, creating art objects. Having A.D.D. that alone has been a hindrence through the years but the purpose still prevailed when I found a settled point here and there. I had set sometimes too high expectations for myself, I think we are all quilty of that sometimes. That was one pin point problem for me, having a {helper} nature everybody else was first. By that I mean putting myself aside just in case, after all was taken care of. Kids of course are priority, then spouse, who ever needed me I was there. If I had time left fine, if not then maybe later.
At the end of my working career putting forth extreme effort physically and mentally with the A.D.D. I came to a point of not being able to work anymore. Before getting S.S.Disability and no longer working, going to dr\'s appts and maintaining our home the best I could I was able to devote more time to my passion, artwork. Also devoted 100% + to my H of 7 years, though not getting in return the same 100% it was excused by me as \"it is what it is\". Then discovering H\'s {just a friend} hit me full force like a brick.
I too wandered as you mentioned many years. Now when I thought I finally got to a place in my life to focus on the art especially in the past 7 years knowing I had given way beyond I was faced with this??? DD was Oct.2010. I could feel myself spiraling downward with depression. I went to therapy alone. The therapist said get out, meet people ect. All fine and good but when I entered my door after a day of doing more things it was all still there, waiting. Many months of just breathing, getting through a day at a time.
I think everyone feels or asks what there purpose is in life. What passion do they have that they would feel would benefit another, raising a child, being an example of a moral person, feeding the homeless, calling a friend just to say I love you, writing, art, .there are thousands of examples. In depression I asked myself all the usual questions, what did I do that caused this? what could I have done to have prevented this? And the most familiar feeling I had was since the discovery of H\'s {friend} what could I possibly contribute through a purpose I had towards anyone else when my entire state of being was collapsing around me.
That is where I slowly began turning around with different colored glasses on that has allowed me to look not only outside but within as well. Prior to DD and the different colored glasses I used to do as you did. Work a full time job, complete a hundred and one tasks at home, get up after 4 to 5 hours sleep and do it again. I packed up all art related projects that I loved in a closet to not look at for a long time. Like you I was just living a life. Posting on DS Infidelity and searching for answers I finally accepted recently within myself that the actions of H were not acceptable no matter what the excuses were. A vow is a vow, period!!. I realized no matter what was going on in my life whether following a passion, purpose, yet fullfilling other resposibilities, why should I give up a given gift, in your case {writing} that {you} can give to others and still be an important part in a marriage without sacrificing any part of yourself. In the long run I and I assume you if giving up your writing as you said \"if it\'s between\" writing or wife would eventually harbor resentments somewhere down the road.
Maybe think about writing about your feelings, experiences with what you have gone through with your own prospective of the A. This may help you with your family and you and help a reader in the future. You may gain alot more insight personally to move forward enough to get out of the writers block and lessen the depression.
Hugs
Thanks, momshummingbird. I guess many of us go through this in one form or another. I suspect my mother\'s many divorces and men may have been as well such a search for meaning, and she finally gave up on that as a source. She\'s been single for several years now, in her 70s, and living alone. I look at her life and wonder what all purpose she gets out of it. Whether she looks back over her life and is satisfied or not. I don\'t think I would be, but that\'s me, not her.
The only really bad thing about this lull in my writing is now that I\'m unemployed and have more time for it, I\'m getting much less of it done than I ever have. If I had spent the last seven months working hard every day on writing, which I would have likely done if the A hadn\'t happened, who knows, I could be well on my way to making a career out of this and create my own job.
And that could still happen. One of my books could catch fire and provide the income to keep going. But I gotta go to go, ya know? And the more I get out there when that happens, the better off I\'ll be because if a book catches fire, the next question they\'ll ask is what else have you written. I have five books out there right now, and my goal was to add around four a year. I did that last year, even though my writing was hampered for over half the year because I had things that were already in the works.
Anyway, Gabi told me this morning that she\'d been praying about my writing, and felt peace about it, that it would work out. That was nice. I think it will too, in due time. But there is that fear that it won\'t. That this has killed it off. That it isn\'t part of the new normal. Maybe highlighted that for the last few months I\'ve just been in survival mode, trying to recover from the shock of what happened, and reconstructing my life with her in it.
Thanks for your thoughts and sharing your experience. May your art take wings and fly for you. :)
I can relate to a lot if what you\'re feeling & I do agree with the general terms of self-definition you mentioned. Please, if you thinknyou\'re in the early stages of a depressive state, don\'t hesitate to get to the doc & medicate til you\'re back on track. I had a major event several years ago that started w anxiety & insomnia & led to serious depression. It\'s been twice now that I\'ve felt those initial warning signs & chosen to head them off before they took hold . I just started a very low dose of anti-d and within 2 days was feeling together again.
You need to focus on your work & love of writing, so do what it takes. Heck turn your writings on infidelity into your next book!
Thanks, Crossroads,
I\'m the kind that will not take asprin unless it is hurting bad enough. A minor headache I can handle. I guess I\'ve just always felt the less medicine I put into my body, the better. So many side effect. And one for antidepressants tends to be ED. I don\'t need help in that department. That might depress me more! lol.
I would consider this a minor depression. Brought on by circumstances, not chemical imbalance. I tend to stay up late, but not because I can\'t sleep. More because I get focused on something and time flies by before I know it. I\'ve usually no problems getting to sleep. About the only sign of depression I\'ve noticed is this difficulty focusing on things I need to get done and instead focusing on things I want to do. The writing thing simply used to be in the second category. Now it feels more in the first.
Granted, if things got bad, I would consider taking meds for it, though I\'ve never done so in my life. But it would have to get pretty negative for me before I went there. I just don\'t like taking meds unless I really have to.
I have thought about writing a book on infidelity at some point. But I felt I would need to wait a minimum of five years before I tackled that. I don\'t want to do it now, have everything go downhill all of the sudden, and then have to yank the book off the market because obviously I didn\'t succeed. But it is an idea on the back burner. Not a comprehensive treatment of it like Not Just Friends (I don\'t have the credentials to compete with that), but more a telling of our own story more for some basic info and emotional support.
Thanks for the input!
Totally understand your perspective in meds. Just remember that they do take time to work on \'bad\' anxiety & depression, so don\'t wait til you\'re at a breaking point. I learned my lesson the first time & will never go back there. Even if it means no hanky-panky for a while. LOL I\'m sure you can get focused if you set your mind to it.
Cole I truely identify with much of what you are writing about. I admire you for having the talent for writing. That would be awesome. Even if things are running smoothly I could not keep a thought for very long, comes with A.D.D and getting older I suppose. I too stay up late, don\'t sleep much, I was a female in a man\'s world for 23 + years ending an accident free career driving an 18 wheeler, 3 hours sleep was a God send, driving alone, old habits die hard. I\'m praying for you to make progress for you reconstructing your life now. It is a difficult process. In my Marriage my H has been a non communicating one to begin with, I just havent stepped back into the catering to him, accepting his silence and yet being upset by it. It took a while but I have found I can do other things and not focus on him.
My mother as well was married many times, the people she married were abusive nut cases that damaged her and my siblings and myself. She too lived alone for many years before passing away 2 years ago at Christmas. I often thought during those years she was married I would not want to go through what she did or put my kids thru it either. Infidelity, abuse, ect. My theory then was leave, thats it. Finances, years married to someone, health, ect. dont always allow an entire change in living arrangements so I usually end up awake in the wee hours of the mornings, not a bad thing tho really, sometimes answers come at that time.
Thanks for your prayers, momshummingbird, I think this too will pass.