Time to update:good and bad going on, but isn't that how it goes? I finally had to get a PI to find and serve papers on my husband. It wasn't that he was hard to find, it is just that he wouldn't file! I turned in my paperwork in May and he was still stalling (in August!)  Well, of course he was angry, but it DID make him see our attorney, sign and then we met. We have signed the parenting agreement, now. the whole second half- the financial is still a real mess for me because he won't budge. Originally he was willing to take his share of the house buyout in retirement money but now, since he has probably 30K in debt, he wants cash, instead. I have no choice but to take a loss somewhere. I either take out a much bigger mortgage or I can cashout retirement money or I can pay him(!!!!!!!!!) large amounts monthly, for years,  until I have paid the house equity. I KNOW I could not stomach paying him monthly. Emotionally it would kill me to give him $1000 or $1500/month and then get his $250 month child support! I also have to cash out my whole life policies , too, which is upsetting, although there is not so much in the accounts that it would be too great an annuity when I retire, I still resent having to close the accounts. I will be stuck paying the taxes on the early withdrawal of retirement money but there is NO way around this. My attorney has dealt with this situation dozens of times and it is always paid by the person who wants to keep the house.  I CANNOT stay on the mortgage with him. I can't have him having a say about anything in the house I am living in. He would insist on keeping 40 boxes of stuff in the basement. etc and fight home improvements, etc. After lots of discussion with my accountant, she feels that it is best for me to break clean, pay the taxes, re-fi on myown to the lowest possible MONTHLY rate w/o increasing the mortgage amount and THEN start re-building my retirement. Numerous people have weighed in their opinions and advice and this is the best I can make of a nasty situation. It just sucks that he will get to keep retirement money, but I will have the house, and that is worth it to me. I am getting a mere $30K more out of the entire assets, but at least he agreed to this tiny increase (because his c.s. is so low each month) If only he would get a f/t job! But he is lazier and more self-centerd thatn ever and just wants "fun" jobs (he is an actor who used to have a f/t job as a proffreader/editor). That is the financial story. The emotional story is also still hurting me too much. My oldest has Asperger's and is 19. She went from calling the girfriend a whore and not seeing her father for 6 months to spending time with the girlfriend alone and becoming friendly with her.  she tells me all the time, "Why don't you like her, mom? She's really nice?" She has the emotional maturity of a 5 year old (if someone buys you ice cream they must be nice) but she argues and reacts lik a 19 year old. It is driving me crazy and is SO unfair! I am her sole support. Her father and girlfriend are not paying ANY of HER expenses: food, clothing, entertainment, college, guitar lessons, but girlfirend buys her a Starbucks and now my daughter thinks she is this wonderful person! My younger two know the score. They are not rude when they are forced to be with the girlfriend, but they also are not interested in becoming best buddies. It doesn't help  me that their father keeps insisting that the girlfriend was innocent in this whole affair and had "nothing to do with it". She and he were both married when they began emailing, texting, meeting, sleeping together, going to hotels, - the whole works. She knew from the start he was married with kids and that I wanted us to reconcile. She made choice after choice to continue the relationship and he tells the girls she is "innocent!" I would feel very different if  my husband had wanted a divorce and then met the girl a few years later. THEN, you could say she was innocent.  How do I get past caring that he still lies? it DOES bother me. Friends tell me he will never budge on this attitude, and it is probably true, but how do I stop CARING? Especially since the lies are affecting my relationship with my daughter. I have told her that if she chooses to asscociate with that woman there is nothing I can do about it, but I do not want to HEAR about their outings, etc. She finds this impossible to do, so  I find that I have to just walk away if she starts to ask again "why  I don't like her", because if I try to answer honestly, we just end up arguing.
Sometimes I wish she would move in with them. I wonder how that would go over- but, of course, none of them want that. My daughter likes the security of the familiar house and her dog and sisters. Her dad certainly wouldn't want an extra person in their one bedroom apt, right? I  really just wish my daughter would undestand and acknowledge that the girlfriend is not this perfect little thing to emulate and admire! 
One result of this this situation has been that I have been eating ice cream and bad food and have gone off my diet. At the same time my health club (little hospital place) cut their weekend hours completely and close by 7pm! (I woek until 6!)  I only am going once a week now on my day off. I will try to walk the dog more, but I cannot renew this membership with their new hours. It has a therapy hot water pool though which helps my bad foot feel better. Most health clubs have only cold water pools where people do laps. Just another thing which is annoying me. I will have to get the surgery done soon. (hammer toe) I have been putting it off because my money has been going to the attorney fees, etc and my health insurance is so bad I will have to pay out of pocket. I cannot even where a shoe right now if it isn't a sandal and the sock in a sandal solution will not take me through the winter snow!            
God, give me strength.
The best new was like a dream. My wonderful sister treated my girls and me to a  cruise to  Cozumel recently. I only had to pay to get to the port and spent very little after that. It was wonderful to be papmrered so much. We went to Mayan  ruins (Uxmal) and snorkled. We toured the port city of New Orleans and ate great there, too. the girls had a really nice time and no one really talked much about the divorce or their father, etc. I can see how a clean break to somewhere new would be a good thing to be able to do. Here, at home, there are so many ties to the old life. If I didn't have the day care business in my home to think about, I might move, but of course, I cannot easily move out of state or anything drastic at this time. so, the trip was great, but coming home was just that much worse. I also had hoped to actually already BE divorced before the trip and was disappointed that that hadn't happened. I want to go on another trip somewhere, though and go alone, when it is final. I will need that, but will the girls be ok with it? They won't want to have to stay with their father for the duration. Maybe I should go somewhere when he has them for Thanksgiving. That makes sense. This had better be final by then.... 
Yesterday night I went English country dancing  by myself. I haven't done that in 30 years because my husband didn't dance. It was a huge group of people, all ages from children to retirees. It felt good, but I wished that my daughters were there with me instead of out to dinner with their father. I am SO far from moving ahead. I will keep looking for activities like this but I feel like the odd man out...
Wow, this was a lot of writing...But now you know where I am in this whole mess...