i drive home from work every morning and i think about that fateful day on my way home when i got the one phone call that changed my life forever and i replay the conversation and the events of that dreadful day over and over in my head. i remember calling chels and having to be the one to tell her that her brother had been in an accident and that she needed to come home and that i was coming to get her ( she was at a friends house ) and she just kept saying is kelly ok mom is he ok and i just kept saying i'm coming to get you and i know she could tell by my voice that she new he wasn't ok and she just kept asking my that over and over and i just finally said no chels he's not ok -he's dead. and those words will forever ring in my head and i'm sure hers to -he's dead chels kelly is dead-how the hell can kelly be dead i want to scream it from the mountain tops .my son my wonderful full of life son can not be dead that only happens to other poeple not me and now i live that nightmare day after day. when i look at my futue and see the sadness ahead of me i truly want to die the thoufht of spending each and everyday with this terrible sadeness just overwhelms me and i seriously want to just go to sleep and not wake up. every new adventure every new event that happens in our fiture will forever be shadowed by one thought=kelly is not here to share this with us. chels made the deans list in colloge and we are so proud of her she is a remarkable woman. kelly would of been so proud of her too, he will not get to see her graduaute, not get to see her be married , not get to see her children and that list is endless and altough i want to believe that somehow he is still here with us and is a part ob eveything we do i want to see him i want to hold him i want to see him smile. this is truly this worse thing anyone can ever go through but i guess it is what it is. i could get one here ev eryday and write how i feel and read journals and pray and think about happy thoughts and be with friends and talk to kelly but what it is is kelly is not here with me -he is gone just like i said dead- he will not be here for dinner or coming around the corner ever again no more teddy bears hugs and no more kelly-there is no peace -no joy- no happiness for me just complete sadness-pain-and a huge whole where use to be life no there is nothing just a big black void. i look around me and life is going on everywhere around me -people move on and they forget but i did not move on and i will never forget it's still june 17 and alwasy will be and time is just going bye i did not move on nor will i ever be able to. kelly was a wonderful amazing person and he should be here today. i will never forget himand my love grows more and more for him it will never die. there are no more words just sadness extreme complete utter depts of darkness and deep sorrow for me now.
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I truely know your feelings. I do like you said, love my daughter very much and am also proud of her, but I also see a sad and bleek future. I am always sad always thinking of what life would be like with my Gilbert home again. I wait for him to walk through the front door anouncing \"Mommy I am home\". But that will not happen again and the thought makes the whole in my heart bigger every time. Like you I see people moving and going on, but I can not either I to am stuck on that terrible date and time. I hold you close in my thoughts. Love Melissa
I am glad you journal every now and then, I\'m always wondering how your doing. I have just about ended my relationship with my family(sister, brother,mother) They don\'t even want to try and understand. Your right the sadness will be with us always. I try hard not to think of the day Shannon died, Joey was only three and he was the only one with her. He has made a few comments that really make me cry, I cry for me and I cry because he was there and alone. He really is doing pretty good. I think because he was so young that he will be ok. I also think about Shannon the minute I get in my car, thats all I ever think about when I\'m driving by myself. You can tell by most of the journals that this is it, this is what our lives are going to always be like. I have learned to put on my mask for certain people, they don\'t really want to know what is going on inside of me. Its bad enough to lose your child but it changes everything, holidays, birthdays, the future, relationships with friends and family, MOTHERS DAY, and sometimes our faith. Please keep in touch and you have every right to be proud of your daughter. Love, Dianne
i understand. love from me
I am so sorry for your heartache today and everyday. I wish I had some magical words to ease your pain but I know that it is an individual and unique process for each of us. I hope and pray one day you will not be drawn to the loss but rather the wonderful time you had with your son whe he was with you. I know how hard that is to say because the heart tells us otherwise. I can tell myself things that are very logical but putting them into action is a different story. We have been cheated in a way that is truly not fair, but like you said it is what it is and we cannont change anything. It is a long journey we are all taking and you have heard it often I\'m sure but you are never alone. I\'m so happy about your daughter being on the deans list. What a terrific accomplishment. Be strong for her when you can. Thinking of you and praying you find some peace and comfort. Love Robin
I\'m so sorry for your pain. I have no magic bullet for it. All I can offer is a sympathetic ear and shoulder to cry on. Death of a child is death to our innocence and to the future as we saw it. We now have to make a new future. One day at a time. That\'s all you can do, one day at a time. Love and hugs Cathy
Please hang in there...this is such a hard time for you right now...the ups and downs are horrible...somewhere along the way I think that the pain of life will lessen and you will see a little joy...it may surprise you at first...but I pray it will return...love and hugs...Karen
I hear your pain and I understand. There are no words I can say. I wish there was something extraordinary I say to make you feel at peace. I am here for you and can listen. I hope that helps a little.
Love and hugs,