i drive home from work every morning  and i think about that fateful day on my way home when i got the one phone call that changed my life forever    and i replay the conversation and the events of that dreadful day over and over in my head. i remember calling chels and having to be the one to tell her that her brother had been in an accident and that she needed to come home and that i was coming to get her ( she was at a friends house ) and she just kept saying is kelly ok mom is he ok and i just kept saying i'm coming to get you and i know she could tell by my voice that she new he wasn't ok and she just kept asking my that over and over and i just finally said no chels he's not ok -he's dead. and those words will forever ring in my head and i'm sure hers to -he's dead chels kelly is dead-how the hell can kelly be dead i want to scream it from the mountain tops .my son my wonderful full of life son can not be dead that only happens to other poeple not me and now i live that nightmare day after day. when i look at my futue   and see the sadness ahead of me i truly want to die the thoufht of spending each and everyday with this terrible sadeness             just overwhelms me and i seriously want to     just go to sleep and not wake up.   every new adventure every new event that happens in our fiture will forever  be shadowed  by  one thought=kelly is not here to share this with us. chels made the deans list in colloge and we are so proud of her she is a remarkable woman. kelly would of been so proud of her too, he will not get to see her graduaute, not get to see her be married , not get to see her children and that list is endless and altough i want to believe that somehow he is still here with us and is a part ob eveything we do i want to see him i want to hold him i want to see him smile. this is truly this worse thing anyone can ever go through but i guess it is what it is. i could get one here ev eryday  and write how i feel and read journals and pray and think about happy thoughts   and be with friends   and talk  to   kelly but what it is is kelly is  not here with me -he is gone just like i said dead- he will not be here for dinner or coming around the corner ever again no more teddy bears hugs and no more kelly-there is no peace -no joy- no happiness for me just complete sadness-pain-and a huge whole where use to be life no there is nothing just a big black void. i look around me and life is going on everywhere around me -people move on and they forget but i did not      move on    and    i will never forget it's still june 17 and alwasy will be and time is just going bye i did not move on nor will i ever be able to. kelly was a wonderful amazing person and he should be here today. i will never forget himand my love grows more and more for him it will never die. there are no more words just sadness extreme complete utter depts of darkness and deep sorrow for me now.