what a mess i am turning into -so much hopelessness and despair i think i feel worse now than ever i guess its because i feel like i have lost my way- i don't know what to believe in anymore-how can i trust a god who i feel like let my son die all alone without me by his side how? how can i beleieve that any good can come from this how do i know that someday i will see kelly again that he will know me and he can still see me. i guess i think that because i loved my son so much that this shouldn't of happened to me then i feel guilt like what do i think that people that have children that they aren't close to that they should lose their children i guess i just think it should be a rule that no one should bury there child-i don't know i guess the devil is just really getting me to believe all kinds of crazy things these days and i hate to say it but i am questioning my faith. i read somewhere the other day that god gets blamed for everything and they gave the example of lazarus when he died someone said lord if you would of been here it wouldn't of happened and jesus wept so they said that people blame god and that jesus did have emotion because he was sad because his friend died and well thats wonderful but if you read on well what did jesus do thats right he brought back lazarus from the dead why him- my son didn't get that option so that story brings me no comfort at all- i do wonder why god let jesus die on the cross and i think about that and i know that jesus does understand how i feel because he himself questioned god and said why have you forsaken me -forsaken thats a good word-i don't know i have so many emotions going through my head right now. why did this happen i don't know but theres nothing i can do to change it so i just have to walk through this- at the cemetery there are 2 more graves and i always wonder who they were and what they lives were like- one thing is for sure all of us will find out someday were we are going after this life -death comes to all of us. to soon for kelly and all of our precious children that we write about on this wonderful but yet terrible website
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We are in the same place right now, all I feel is profound sadness. Do you have any support around you, friends, family? I sometimes think that the moms that are doing better than me, must have a lot of support at home. I have just my husband and he was her stepfather so he does not really understand. Every day is the same, a living nightmare. Love, Dianne
I understand what you are saying. I too questioned my faith, God and just about everything. I cannot believe God did this or let it happen. I believe we live in a random chaotic world where bad things happen to good people, and that life isn\'t fair. I\'m not sure what I believe about after we die but I find comfort in what Elizabeth Kubler Ross wrote. \" If death is the end of consciousness, then I won\'t know and if there is something else I\' ready.\" I waffle from day to day. Know you are not alone for what peace that brings. Love and hugs Cathy
OH honey, You are not by yourself. I know exactly how you feel. Proud to be Josh\'s Mama, Rhonda
We all have and will have the days that you are having. I don\'t know if there is one particular way of helping yourself except to keep trying. Keep moving. There is no end. We will all see our children again. This I know. Lots of hugs, jake\'s mom, kathy
Hugging you so very very big . . .
I know this is sad but it is true God allows different things to happen to many different people. I pray that you will start to feel better soon. You love you son & their is nothing wrong with that. Lots of love to you & your daughter.
I think that every mother that has lost a child have also asked the same questions. Know that it is normal and just allow yourself to feel what you feel and give yourself time. I would tell you how long it takes...but I can\'t...because I am still waiting to find peace. But we have each other...Love and hugs...Karen
It\'s a new world we live in after we lose our children. I think that is what is the hardest letting go of the past and not being able to change anything. We have expectations that our children will outlive us. If we lived in a third world country and kids died continually because of poverty and famine maybe we wouldn\'t feel like this, they have different have different expectations. I\'m so sorry you feel helpless. All of us feel that same way. We never know when it will hit just like a wave. It may be small or imense. You are not alone and I hope you will get through each moment at a time and know it is ok to feel lousy. My thoughts are with you. Love Robin
I too recieve no comfort from the story of Lazarus, and I refused to celebrate easter this year. I was mad at God, his son rose, it\'s not fair, I was pissed and I told him that. That\'s not blasphamy, that\'s a mother\'s grief and questions along her journey. God understands. What I do know is that God did not cause nor did he allow this to happen to Kala, or Kelly. I believe that God is NOT all powerful and is NOT in control of EVERYTHING. I believe that God cried when Kala\'s physical body was killed. I believe that God received her, he didn\'t come and get her. I read a wonderful book called \"when bad things happen to good people\". It opened my eyes to a lot of things and reconfirmed a lot of things I already believed. I highly recommend it. I also know and understand the feeling that it shouldn\'t have been Kala, it shouldn\'t have been me left to deal with this hell. But it was, and it is. That\'s my reality. And unless I fight each and everyday to heal I won\'t. Unless I get up every morning and go out into the world to share Kala, she won\'t be shared. Unless I smile and live and love and laugh, Kala will surely be pissed. I want my child to be proud of me. I insist it of myself. It\'s hard as hell some days, of course it is, but I insist, I demand myself to heal. I\'m one stubborn woman and I won\'t settle for living in the black pit for the rest of my physical life. This is just me. We all are different and are at different places in our journeys. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. But for me there is a right and wrong way to live. I choose to live to make my child proud. WWKD? Fight against all odds, stand even when the world pushed her down, smile in spite of the broken heart, and live life to the fullest. It\'s been 8 1/2 months for me. It still hurts and I still cry, but by the strength of my daughter and my God, I smile and I laugh and I live.
May peace find you and comfort you. I pray for Kelly to come and visit you in a miraculous way. You WILL heal darling. You WILL survive this. You WILL be reunited with Kelly when you cross through the veil which temporarily seperates you. I send you my love and support and friendship.
Hugs from Teri and Kala
You have written so much here! I didn\'t understand the story of Lazarus until just this year when my pastor preached on that story. Jesus did not weep for Lazarus. He wept for those of us who mourned Lazarus. God cried tears because we cry tears. God cried for OUR pain. On the eve of my daughter\'s birthday after her death, I sat outside, watching the lightening and feeling the wind swirl around me. It was blowing so hard! And yet, 3 times, I felt something brush up against me. It was NOT the wind! The sky was threatening and the lightning was all around. The next day, on her birthday (she would have been 27), it rained and rained and rained! I said to myself \"even the heavens are weeping\". I truly believe that God cried that day..for alicia. I do believe that God CAN stop things from happenining ...but He doesn\'t. We have free will. God lets things happen. There is evil in this world. Evil took my daughter. Evil wnated me to forsake God. And we have a choice...to go with God or to go with Evil. God will always be there..holding us up. God was with your son..and he took his hand..and He took him to paradise. Your son was not alone. God caught Alicia in His powerful and loving hands when she slipped....when all was lost. And He carried him off to His kingdom. I know in my heart that this is true. And one day, you will be reunited with your son! In the meantime, we must live the life our children did not get to live...for them! They would want that for us. It is not easy...it is very difficult. but our children are walking with us...and holding us up. Sometimes we just have to be open to those signs...no matter how difficult that is. I know that your son is watching over you and he is so happy in heaven! Sometimes we simply must believe! Big hugs for you! Love, lana