good morning everyone-i have to ask this question does anyone else feel as inadequate on here as i do- i don't know sometimes i read peoples journals and they sound so together and so helpful and they have such strong words of wisdom to others and then i think of mine. i guess it doesn't matter most of the time i just need to get things off my mind about kelly but sometimes i feel so out of the loop-crazy i know. so anyways i don't really think i have all that much to offer anyone on the lines of help but i guess i can always listen -i wake up everyday with the same thoughts -where is kelly what is heaven like and can he still feel me and is he still kelly- i guess i want some serious proof. i went into chels bedroom last night while she was studying and we just hung out and talked about kelly -it was nice- she is such a sweety and i am so proud of her-she also talked to me about how our family has treated us and i guess she feels the same but she said what can she change about it nothing. it does crack me up my sister (who is so dramatic) called yesterday and left this very heartfelt(yeah right) message on my machine about how worried her and vicki(my other sister) and my mom are about me and she just hopes someday i'll return there calls and that i know that they love me and on and on sounded like a soap opera. it doesn't mean anything to me now -hmmm lets see yesterday was sept 6 maybe on june 30 only 9 days after i buried kelly it would of meant something but almost 3 months later and after me having to tell them that i was pissed about it they call it means nothing and it changes nothing. they can never undo what has been done and i hold no ill will over them its just how it is and i can have nothing to do with people who showed my son and my daughter such little respect and that will never change. so on happy note to honor kelly in all ways that i can think of i ordered special personalized candy bars to pass out for halloween. they're decorated in pumpkins and they have on the front in loving memory of kelly pennington 11-8-87 to 6-17-07 and on the back it says happy halloween from the love family. i adore them and am very excited about passing them out. i will also cut out our jack-o-lanterns to say kelly on one then r.w.g. and one that has his date on it. i was laughing with chels he always like to scare everyone on halloween (like his younger cousin he would tell stories too) -i told chels he would get a kick out of it if someone thought about how creepy it was that he died on this road and the kids were afraid to walk by his site- he had a crazy sense of humor. i thought about it the other day sometimes we go to the cemetery really late to water his grass we planted and it's pitch black there and i'm just walking down to the water pump with my watering can and through the grave yard and i wouldn't of been caught in a cemetery at night before june 17 if you paid me (watched to many freddie, mike meyers and jason movies with my older brothers when i was a kid)but now it feels like home-you guys all have a great day and i have to work this weekend so catch up with you on mon
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i know all about the sister thing..lol.what a damn joke.the more i think of how they treat me the madder i get...its unreal...i understand it..loud and clear!!!..i try to keep myself together...but it doesnt always work....its just when the tears hit..they hit.and its all so hard to understand..i miss my son and and i know how u miss kelly also..always here for ya......love...diana
look it sweetie , i feel the same way at times , there s no way any of us has any answere , aaron went a month before your son , to the day . i open my eyes in the morning and there it is , aarons not here, start the day crying , i ask if only i know what he knows right now , is he here , knowing i cry the way i do for him , does he knon hes gone , were not crazy , just in shock , family has a way of turning away and acting stupid , aarons mother has , thats another story . the candy idea is is great , i tell my son as long as iam alieve everyone will know about aaron , i can be in line at the store and i tell whoever is beside me about him and take out his picture , aaron so loved halloween too , he was a jokster , , i too go late at night and sit , iam not afraid i know aaron is watching , you don\'t have to offer anything , just being here is enough, much love to you , prayers to kelly
Wow, I could have wrote this one, everything you said is exactly how I feel, I even used out of the loop when I was telling my husband. I don\'t feel like I offer much, so I have not been writing much. Now you know that your not alone. Love, Dianne
Oh wait I forgot, I have the same sister thing going on. My mom too. I printed out some things for her to read about what it is like to grieve the loss of a child. You wouldn\'t think I would have to tell her how much pain I am in. Anyways, it did not help, she still can\'t think of anything to say, she does not talk about Shannon at all. My sister has really surprised me, it hurts, the two women who would be there for me are gone, my daughter and my best friend. Dianne
I have always taught my kids that you are born into a family but you do not have to be of that family. I am finding my family is here. When Wayman was murdered I wanted my oldest sister so bad to be there for me. I spoke with her 1 time before Wayman\'s ashes came home and I seen her at the church the day we laid him in the ground. She didnt even come to the cemetary with us. I spoke that night and not again until about 4 days ago I told her how hurt I was that she wasnt there and her response was if you needed me why didnt you call. OMG I wish I could have jumped out of the phone and knocked some sense into her head. But now I have everyone here and I am getting through ok. You are definately not alone in this and you are no where near being crazy. Love ya
I totally get what you mean about having different feelings about cemeteries.
My heart will always go out to you because I know that loosing your son has to be very painful for you. I haven\'t lost a child but I have lost people that I love very much. As far as everyone sounding like they have it so together, I understand what you mean. No matter how they sound, if it was all that together they would not be here on this site. We all have some strong points as well as some weaknesses.Sometimes I feel like I might not be saying the right thing or if I do the person that I am responding to may take it the wrong way.So, even with are on line friends we still have to take a risks. You have more to give than you realize. I stop by your page often to see how you are doing. You are hurting right now and you are able to express that, that has help me to know that I can be honest here. When ever I sense from someone that they are struggling with something and being honest about it it helps me. Because of who you are I am able to share this with you right now. I\'ve never told anyone but I think I saw my kids father drive by the other day. I fell like crying because he was cremated and we never saw a body. Thanks for helping me get this out. There is someone going through losing someone that they love, just hearing how you have dealt with it will help. The love that you have for Kelly is beautiful, the courage that you have going to the grave yard, the way you cherish his grave site. You are a wonderful mom. God bless you.
I for one feel totally inadequit. I agree with you some of the Moms, possibly the majority sound so together and I\'m still floundering after a year, so bad I\'m back at the shrinks each week. I also understand about you sisters. I have three sisters and three brothers and since John died I\'ve heard from one brother and one sister, the rest can rot in hell as far as I\'m concerned. Maybe we can help each other. Love and hugs Cathy
I feel inadequate all too often . . .
Yup, I also feel so much of what you said... I feel like I am not able to \"keep up\" or help much. I am just bearly able to read and write in my journal... today I have 170 messages in my inbox and can\'t decide if I can even deal. I just want to make a difference and seem to only be able to touch a few people with words that feel so very inadequate.. but do come from my heart and soul. Hugs to you, Vera ~ Erick\'s mom
As I once was told \'There is nothing Stranger than Folk\' and how true. They think they are helping in there own strange way. Just need to let it ride like water of a duck\'s back because at the end of the day it means nothing to what you are having to go through. And the haloween Candy sounds like such a good Idea. I will be in the states this year for haloween and hoping to get a walkway stone put up in Disneyland in memory for my brother. It\'s those little acts that will help you carry on with Kelly by your side. And never say you feel inadequte as your kind words said to one person could lift there spirits for just a moment you mean the world to that person. We are all in this for the long haul as that is the cards we have been delt, I agree it is rather a crap hand we have been delt, but we need to stick together. Sorry if I was rambling on. Love and Hugs to you and here\'s for a better day tomorrow. Toots xo