what do you guys think about this ? i have been having a weird past couple of days. i'm almost afraid to write it but it seems that lately when i wake up i don't think that i'm living someone elses night mare anymore i know that this is real and it happened and its just another day without kelly and i have to get up -it's not that i feel great i just feel like this is how things are and i'm going have to accept it which i guess is what scares me because you mean to tell me that after only 2 months after i said that i would never accept this i'm starting to deal with it-then i ask my self all these questions that are crazy but i ask them like what if someday like in ten years what if people forget what kelly was like -what if i forget his laugh sounds like or his smile and i think i could never forget my own son but its this fear that i have like in 10 or 20 years everyones going to be like oh yeah her son died a long time ago -how can it ever be like that it can't. it's like i don't want to let go of the pain or heartache because i'm afraid i 'll be letting go of kelly too. it's weird i feel like i know that hes ok and that i can feel him with me and he's ok. where are these feelings coming from. am i really just burying myself in a feeling thats good because i don't want to deal with the pain i don't know what i think sometimes. i just know that me and a whole lot of other moms on here are all going through the same thing-i miss kelly so much i wish he was still here. i hate to see the seasons change because that means that time is passing by without kelly whether i want it to or not its moving on. soon their birthdays and then c-mas how am i going to make it throught that and chels on their birthday and they always opened present together c-mas morning. last c-mas kelly went to columbus with theresa which none of us wanted him to go but he would of done anything for her and she wanted to be with her mother(who moved and left her children here ) but i don't get to see my son on c-mas morning-well it was his last c-mas with us. no more c-mas tree hunts together no more anything with kelly . well i worked last night so gotta get some sleep you guys all take care and i think of everyone all the time-carol
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carole , sweetie , its ok , i feel the same way , now lindsey is feeling the same way , its that the shock is wearing off , and the reality of it is real , they are not here , my son is just now saying i can\'t believe that aaron is not here any more , i start getting mini panic attacks remembering last thanksgiving aaron was home only 3 days the xmas he was home 2 weeks , ,looking at him and lindsey opening their presents , i thinkig , this is aarons last xmas with us , next yr hell be in iraq , now thrers no more , we will never forget them , they live carol, in our hearts and minds every day . i know it scarey , i miss him so much , the pain is unbearable at time s , theb the good mrmories come back to over shadow , the bad. when i go to the cemetery , aaron always says to me Nana , iam not here , iam always with you , dad , mom , the whole family . we can not stop time , it we all make it through it together ,i hope ou know we will find some kind of comfort , someday , you grieve , i grieve , god is holding us high , i hope you have a restful sleep , much love , +++++++pat
Carol take it from me you are just as crazy as the rest of us on here. LOL Sorry but I try to be up beat just trying to get a laugh. Laughter is something we dont have anymore. All the things we must go on doing without our children can be to much at times. I know we are all dreading those times but I want to try to focus on what Wayman would want me to do and not what I want. And Pat is right about reaching reality. I remember 7 months ago when all the pain was rushing in I didnt want to get out of bed, didnt eat,didnt comunicate with others, just cried and really did believe it. New my boy was going to call me and everything would be alright again. Well we know that never happened. Do you know that the word on the street here as of Mothers Day is that he is not dead but in protective custody. what a joke. Anyways I hope you get some rest and hug Chels for us too.
Carole, Every question you have, I have. Some days you are accepting, other days not so much. I know Jake is ok, I know I will see him again. What is hard are the dreams of the future we had. Where he would be, what he would be doing. I try to live each day knowing he is doing far greater things now. He has achieved things I can only imagine. This helps me get through the day. I know the holidays and special days are hard but know that they are with us on those days and others. Lots of hugs, jake\'s mom, kathy