hope heaven is better than super walmart and T.M.N.T.well bud they finally are making our walmart into a super walmart and we laugh because i know you would of loved that i know how much you loved walking around walmart at 12 at night with your friends so anyways thats going to be going in soon and the turtle movie is coming out the one you thought would be so good -chels bought it . i rememer that was the first movie i took you guys to see and you were only 3 and i worried that you wouldn't  sit    still through the whole movie and you guys were both amused at how big the screen was and sat on the edge of your seat and just stared at the screen and i don't think you moved once through the whole movie. that was a fun day. dad got chels a porch swing so i usually go out there in the morning to drink my coffee its nice. we do have a nice quiet nieghborhood but i wish there was still a little yellow cavalier in the driveway and i wish you would come out to smoke a ciggarette  and talk to me like we used to. i miss you so much the days don't really get any easier without you. i have completely  given up hope on trying to make myself feel better i know i never will so i just told god hey you let this happen so you can fix it because i can't do it on my own. i still don't understand why you had to die why why why you were 19 i want to scream it out loud 19. you had your whole life in front of you and you were such an awesome person that gave so much to the world why did god let that happen. i do not accept that god could not of prevented your death why not -he walked on water- parted the sea-turned water into wine  and many more why did he let you die why . i will never accept it and i don't understand it not to mention i hate it . i hate going throught his and i hate waking up every morning to the same reality that you're not here. sometimes i do feel you and thats great when i do and we did see your p shaped cloud last night. thank you. i always hear that song you liked by    tim   mcgraw i'm already home about the soilder that died. i talk to aarons grandma and i wonder how that song makes her feel because i cry for them each time i hear it . it is a beautiful song.i love you so much bud and i hope you still feel my love. i wonder if you know that your dead. do you or are you just in another state, do you remember me and chels and dad and everyone down here. i just don't know enough about heaven . all i know is that we were happy down here too. your a good son the best son in the whole world -i wonder if you really realize how very special you are. i do believe that god can help me and i talk to him i guess if hes watching over you  and has you i'd better me nice to him if i want a ticket there some day huh?Ha Ha. i know he loves you as much  as i do i hope hes a fun as i was ! god i miss you and i keep thinking about weird stuff like what if one day i forget what your face looks that-isn't that stupid you know me i think about everything. i just hope you can still hear me, and see me. i love you bud more than any mom could love her son. you are a gift from god my very special present that i got you and your sister. i love you guys more than anything. chels misses you so much too. i can't imagine what it must be like for her. you were eveything to her. you would be proud of her. i love you gotta go clean house. i miss you mom