hey bud i just need to write to you. god i'm having a bad day. i just want you to come home and i wish so much that you wouldn't of died. i still can't believe it and i'm never going to . you have given me so many signs none of which i deserve because i am so ungrateful of them i just want you back i want to touch you and hold you and talk like we used to . i always said if anything happened to one of my kids i would die and i always told you guys i don't know what i would do without you and i would lay in bed at night and worry when you weren't home and think my god how do mothers go one when one of their children dies and i thought how unbearable i could never do it and then bang june 17 3:35 a.m. your gone. and i wonder stuff like what was going through your head in those last moments did you think oh shit i'm going to die did you really die instantly or did you have time to think i have so many question and i guess the one i like to ask so much is why you and not me -i wish i was dead . i know i have to be here to take care of your sister and i know if you can hear me right now you're probably pissed but really how should i feel this is so unfair and i am never going to make it through this . i am fooling myself if i think i will. i always said i would die and i did too june 17-your madre that you knew is gone forever. i will never be the same. i don't care if i live or die i really don't if i got sick and died of cancer so what i'd be with you. i'm supposed to be helping your friends moms and i think i'm bringing them down instead of helping anyone. i just feel like a big pile of shit today. if i don't get any better i'll just have to put for my eyes only. everyone keeps telling me that god is with me well if he is then hes going to have to help me through this because i won't make it on my own and i need you to stay close by me even in the bad days. this is the worse thing ever well actually it could get worse i could lose chels and then i would shoot myself and dad says why would you say that god would never be so cruel really maybe i should have him take a look at sorrows page -2 children in less than 7 months and there is a mother that works with cindy her 16 year old died last summer then a couple of weeks ago her other son died so don't give me that. your up there with god ask him why he lets things that like happen to us-because no one understands it. your grandpa asked my that about his first family and i said well god has a reason for everything i wish i could tell him that i'm so sorry for saying that because how does god have a reason for letting a 7 month old and a 4 year old plus his wife burn in a fire and how does god have a reason to take my wonderful son and best friend at the age of 19 i just don't get it and i never will.it should of been me not you. i love you bud miss you mom
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Hey friend the first thing I would like to say is please dont block us. It is still so fresh for us and you more than me but I know what you are going through. All the unanswered questions, the lack of faith, the uncontrollable rage at times, I do know and feel your pain. I just feel that without my friends on here I would have never made it and to tell the truth I still feel like that at times. I dont know the answers of what and how we are suppose to go on but I guess I just do so that my children left here with me can have a small portion of happiness. I guess what I am trying to say is please try to keep going. Hugs for ya
alll your rain is here now , i think the heavens have opened up and are crying for us , aaron and kelly passed with in a month of each other aaron may 17th at 3;30am iraq time , i too have felt take me instead , why aaron , my son needed his only son , our children are on loan to us , his father wanted him back , the answers are never known to us until we pass over also . please know i feel all your pain , 19 yr olds are suppose yo be having the time of their lives , not fighting wars and losing legs , i panick thinking was aaron in pain or was he gone instantly ? they said he died on the operating table , why god why ???remember you are not alone , i wish we were sitting face to face talking , but at least we found each other , aarton and kelly did that don\'t you think
Darling this could be an exact replica of one of my journals. It\'s all so very hard to deal with. Especially those first couple of months. Everyone kept telling me time would somehow magically make the pain less intense. I thought NO WAY. MY pain will never less intensify. But it has. It\'s only been 7 months but I will tell you the truth, for me, it is different now than it was month 1,2,3 and even 6. I do gain strength each day. That\'s not to say I miss Kala less each day, but I do find more determination to continue my journey with each passing day. I believe more with each day that Kala IS with me and IS watching me. But I didn\'t get to where I am today during month one. And I\'m not today where I will be in year 2. It is truly a one day at a time journey. That doesn\'t help much I know, but it is the truth. I can\'t answer your questions concerning God. Only you can find those answers for yourself. I have found my answers. My answers are God did not kill Kala and God could NOT have prevented Kala\'s death. My child joined God because she was in a fatal car accident, not because God willed it, caused it, wanted it. It was in no way God\'s plan. Kala\'s death served no greater purpose. Her life was not in anyway a sacrifice. Her death was not an example or a lesson for anyone. I am not being tested by God. My answer is simple....Kala died because of another human being. Those are my answers. You will find your answers. I beg you to hold close to what you said in the beginning of this journal entry....Kelly has given you so many signs.... These signs from Kelly are priceless gifts. Let them enter your heart and soul and become a part of your spirit. They are from your son! How fabulous is that! I know it\'s not enough, I know it\'s not fair, but darling you and I both must except what is now our reality. Treasure the gifts your son sends you. Imagine how hard he is trying to give you gifts to ease your pain. Imagine his smile when he sends one and you smile and say thanks Kelly. You will survive this my precious friend. I will be here to walk with you and so will all of your DS friends. You are loved.
Living to make Kala proud,
Teri