rained all daywell we didn't go to lake erie today because it rained all day today so we just hang out at home. sometimes its nice to just chill at home not something we do alot. before kellys accident every weekend that i was off we went out of town one weekend 4 wheeling the next camping at mohican state park. we bought at 24 foot travel trailer and it was lots of fun but june 17 has changed all the fun times for me. i try to think about doing things but i just don't have the desire. my husband will say are you sad well i'm sad all the time it never changes. hey here's something really weird tonight i stopped by the cemetery i go there alot to check on the umbrella and picture so when i drive by i seen these young boys 2 of them at kellys grave and i didn't recognize them so i thought i will let them pay there respect and come back i just didn't feel like going up to them and i didn't know them and saying yeah thats my son in there so when i turned around i noticed 2 bottles of whip cream yes whipped cream sitting on the hood of there truck and at first i was just like ok what are they going to do with that then after i drove away i thought maybe there going to do something bad to kellys picture or something or spray whip cream on his umbrella -i couldn't imagine kelly having any enemies but you never know so i turned around to go back well they had left and i did get there license plate # but nothing was wrong with the grave so i thought well maybe i am going crazy maybe i didn't see whip cream so i cleaned up kellys grave and picked up the dead flowers a few had died and walked over to the trash and what was in the trash 2 containers of whip cream and i got them out of there and they were cold so obviously i did see what i thought i saw. i have no idea what they did or were planning on doing but if anyone defaces my sons grave well lets just say if i found out for sure who it was they'll be sorry. my husband said maybe they were inhaling the gas to get high but the cans were full so i don't know but after i get off of here i will go check on his grave and hopefully i won't have to kick someones ass. i would like to think that most people in life are good but to be honest i don't really think that . i think most people are out for themselves and alot of people have selfish motives and could really give a shit about others which is sad but true. thats why i think its such a tragedy that my son died because he did care about others . i was reading in his journal the other day and he wrote in there about how he gave a wiatress a $25 tip and she came up to him and asked him if he realized how much he left her and he said yes and he talked about how happy he was to see her face and how good it made him to make some ones day.he was truly an exceptional kid. i also see how my own family has reacted to kellys death and my loss and let me tell you its not making me feel to good towards mankind in general so yeah i guess i have a bad attitude. chels is all back to normal thank god. i saw in the obituaries today where a girl 15 died suddenly after getting ill at home . so theres another mom out there that knows just how i feel. i have to be honest i been feeling rather shitty lately. i miss kelly to much and despite this site and all his signs and my friends and the love i have for my daughter and husband i still think i could just go to sleep and never wake up. it just gets harder not easier and i ask myself do i really believe all the bull shit i tell everyone on here , god is with us, our kids are with us, maybe time will heal us , we can help each other well today i'm not buying it . i'm sorry but it sure doesn't feel like god is with me because if he was i don't suppose i would feel so crappy and my son well he isn't here either- i can't go in his bedroom and talk to him or call him or anything i have to wait for a cloud or star or tree or a window slamming to hear from my best friend my life its shitty. i know hes trying to make me feel better but its just so hard most days, are our kids really with us or are we just telling our selves this shit to make oursleves feel better, i know i'm being a complete downer but tell me anyone else have days like this because i have more than less. i just keep going back to the little voice i hear in my head saying hey you know what your kids dead and i want to scream or shoot myself or just do anything but sit and be still.i still can't believe it, and i don't want to .everyday is bad i just go through the motions of living i'm not really here and i now the seasons are going to start changing and then i'll have to deal with their birthday then christmas. christmas used to be my favorite season we had a family tradition where we would go cut down a live c-mas tree and we've done it every year and quite frankly i could care less if i have a tree or not i would say i would get one for chels but she feels the same. if i didn't owe money out the ying yang i would just go to disney world or some place far away. my attorney wants me to sue my brother-in-law for the cost of the funeral, stone and etc -time off of work oh he has a list but i don't want to do that and we won't what good would that do. i know if the shoe was on the other foot they would sue us. but i guess i can't change that so anyways sorry i'm not much of encouragement tonight maybe i'll write kelly maybe that'll help me