a letter to kellyHey bud, i joined this web site to start a journal and now i just feel like i should write to you oh i  wish that i could still email you and call you in heaven. i know you know that i miss you like crazy ,we were so close-thats another thing i never know whether to use past or present tense-i guess i think if i still use present tense people will think that i haven't accepted that your gone and who really ever accepts that but you know i always think about it when i say was or is, i always say i love  instead of loved because i will never stop loving you and i know that you know that. i think i want to watch ghost again- we loved that movie -and i just keep thinking about what he said about how you take all the love with you so i hope you took all my love with you because i know you have my heart. not much has changed around lake milton oh except for the fact that after 45 years they finally put up street signs on our road, and they weed whack all the time i guess they figure they might get in troulble or maybe the ambulance drivers couldn't find the street or the highway patrol. still don't know whats happeneing with that yet. i am glad that you weren't trashed when you left josh's house and your dad and i have just come to the conclusion that you were just messing around which after reading your my space i see that you did that quite often and i always told you that someday that was going bite you in the ass and well i guess i was right. i'm not mad at you -i know you were doing what you loved to do and you were having fun like you always did. i have tried to think of things that i should feel guilty for and i thought the one day well maybe if i hadn't help him get that car but i can't really think about it like that because i can still see your face at bob eddys when you said what just happened and how happy you were.so what else is new-well we had to get another washer and dryer and you would love them-front loaders and you can put alot of stuff in them like you always did. i miss doing your laundry hell i miss everything about you and everything reminds me of you and everything evoles around you. as you know chels was really sick she scared me and i don't know what i would do if something happened to her. she misses you alot more than i think she lets on sometimes -you know chels always the hard ass. but i raised her to be tuff and she is . i always told you guys life wasn't always fair and sometimes shitty and now we all know just how shitty it can be. dad is doing ok he misses you too . the other morning i got up to let ema out and he was just standing in front of your shrine in the living room just looking at you. he loves you and was devasted on fathers day . i can still remember asking you when i left  for work sat night what you were going to do for fathers day. we saved your present and he is never going to open it and it will be buried with him when he dies. i hope i'm right about all the things that i have thought about with what heaven is really like and i hope your happy and i hope they have strawberries up there because we went to rogers yesterday and i bought a whole flat of berries and all i can think about it how much you loved them , your spinach artichoke dip is still in the freezer too. i go to the sandwich factory occasionally those people love you so much and so did the customers. there good people. well chels has been hanging out with deidra agian which i think is really good for her she still hasn't gone back to work yet maybe next week. so dads 4-wheeler is broke, the pool is leaking and the boat broke down. everything went to shit after you left us. we could care less about it too -it's funny how the things that we thought were fun hold no meaning now. we have tried to go camping but just can't get in the mood we were going to go this weekend but chels got sick and i didn't want to leave her - i never want to leave her i just keep thinking what if we had been out of town that morning and her here alone having to deal with your death to be the first one to find out. well i need to get off of here. i'm just going to keep writing you letters and thanks for the signs that you sent me i love all of them. we cleaned your room real good but everything is the same as when you left except i did pick up all the laundry off the floor. i wonder if you wear clothes up there and do you really have wings and i know this -the first person i want to see beside jesus when i get there is you and grandpa. tell him i said hi and i miss him. i love you so much bud and i miss you so much ,i am glad that  we're so close and for all that you give me -you were everything i always wanted to be but never was. i love you mom p.s. jazzie is still in your room she seems quite content and has taken over your pink chair i told her today kelly would think that was funny. kota and ema miss you too-come see me anytime