family suckswell i titled this page that for a reason. i was off last night and today so i got caught up on some mucj needed errands around the house and as i was cleaning today i just couldn't stop thinking about my sister and her family and how they have left me high and dry since the loss of kelly. i already feel abononed by them and i guess i feel like they owe me more  since kelly was drinking at their house which the drinking did contribute to his death and not that i hold them responsible but there lack of remorse is killing me. i already called my nephew do you think he returned my call no. so after thinking about it i called my sister too and i left a message on her cell and i just told her how i feel. i told her it makes me feel like they don't give a shit about kelly because they don't call or come down it's just life as usual for them it sickens me. i had to pick out my sons tombstone today does anybody know that does anybody care no . my family is so whacked and insenstitive.my sister just got divorced after being married for 30 years and i called her all the time maybe divorce is worse than death. i just don't understand them. so i haven't turned my phone back on to see if she returned my call and really it doesn't matter because the damage is already done if i have to call you to tell you to care about me then don't bother. and as far as how kelly would feel about this whole thing he would want them to try to comfort me and kelly would of been up there all the time if the shoe was on the other foot. i also reminded my sister of the time when josh got separarted from her for like 3 minutes at a baseball game and she was freaking out and almost like had a nervous breakdown after that and all this other drama well i told her remember how that felt well times that feeling by about a million and thats how i feel. i told her you found your son if i want to see my son i guess i'll have to go dig him up. it just makes me so mad. i'm am just so done with them all of them even my mother doesn't call . sometimes in life when you have to go through the rough times thats when  you found out what people are made of well i guess now i know what my family is made of. and then that brings me to another point and i know this sounds terrible but my son was the best kid and most caring person and if one of his family member died he would be there for them so why did god take the best person out of my whole family besides chels  and leave me down here with the whole screwed up bunch of them .i just don't want to see them or talk to them anymore and as far as the legal matter goes i don't care if they get in trouble or not maybe they need to feel alittle pain too. dead is worse than jail anyway. i'm just really upset my the whole thing and like i need one more thing to be on my mind. oh well at least they know how i feel. so anyways i picked kelly out a really nice stone and i did finally go to the cemetery today. i can't desribe how it made me feel because most days i feel bad anyways so it was just the same as any other thing like looking at his bed and thinking he's never going to sleep in it again or looking at his clothes and thinking he'll never wear them again or looking out into the driveway and realizing that his little yellow car will never be parked there again, or going to the grocery store and never having to buy shrimp again because kelly was the onmy one who ever ate it, or laying down by chels and feeling her pain and the hurt that she has because she lost her wonderful brother and her best friend, going outside in the middle of the night and not worrying or wondering where kelly is because i know where he is, watching teenage boys at the mall or seeing them in there cars driving and laughing and listening to the radio and realizing that my son will not be able to do that, seeing advertisements of monster trucks and truck pulls and not having to worry about getting tickets for me and kelly, never seeing that beautiful face or feeling those wonderful soft arms around me or hearing his wonderful laugh and his sweet voice saying hey whats up madre so why should looking at a mound of dirt upset me. it's all the same. i have also started to worry like crazy about chels i used to think that the worse thing that could happen to me is if something happened to one of my children and it did and now i think how awful that would be if something happened to chels and paul keeps telling me nothing is going to happen to her but he also said that about kelly and look what happened to him and lets see it does happen because look at jill 2 boys in 7 months and today my friend called me from work and her friend that she works with lost her son last june in a dirbike accident (18) and now her other son (22) died last night -was drunk and choked to death on his own vomit. so  it does happen and i know i'll just shoot myself if something happens to chels . i talked to her about it last night and she said she wouldn't care if she died because she would be with kelly and i said well how about me and she said well you'd be right where you are right now . i just can't imagine losing all of your kids this is bad enough for me but what jill has to be going through and this other woman is unthinkable to me . i think i need to stop writing because i think i'm making myself feel worse just so much sadness i want my old life back and i want kelly back.