well last night i went to work and as usual it kills me. i get so sad. it's the same story i miss kelly and now i find myself reliving the events so much. also there is some criminal things going on with kellys accident that i just can't write about because like i need anymore stress but he was drinking and they want to prosecute the people who gave him the alcohol only thing is there my nephews so you know i don't know what to think about all that either or how i should even feel about everything i just wish it would all go away. i keep thinking how much i want my old life back but sometime i ask myself am i just making this worse i mean people die right but he was my son , my only son how can i ever accept it. i also have been experiencing these anxiety feelings where am at work and it's like i start talking to  myself and i tell myself oh my god your kid is dead and i start freaking out and i feel like i need to scream or leave or do something it just stares me in the face -kelly's dead. my husband did say something to me yesterday that i really need to think about he said not everything good in you life is gone you still have me and chels and sweet little chels i really do feel like i need to be there for her more. it's all kelly kelly kelly and i know she misses him too and i do need to remember that i do have a wonderful beautiful daughter still with me and i do love her and would do anything for her.i wish someone would help me out with what they think heaven is like . i mean what are our kids doing up there. i just i guess always pictured everyone standing around and singing and i know this sounds funny but geez we might get bored if all were doing is singing- really wonder where they are and what is it  like there- it really puzzles me. i have to work again tonight another day of torture any suggestions on how to fill my mind with other things beside extreme sadness. i also would really like the truth about what really happened  that night and i feel like i'm not getting it . the boy that was last with kelly has a new story everytime he tells it-it's not making sense to me. oh well i guess i'll never know what really happened or what was going through my sons head. i have always believed in being responsible for your own actions and i always told them bad choice-bad conquences . my son wasn't doing anything different than anybody else does -just a few beers and going a little to fast but to the prosecutor a deadly mix and he wants to blame some one- so do i if i knew who to blame. who is it kelly-my nephews- his friends who. maybe no one is to blame i don't know .well gotta get some sleep for tonight.