It has been such a long day. But I am grateful that I was able to get through it. I took my granddaughter to the doctor today; we waited almost an hour in the room before the doctor came in. I wanted so much to run out; I was not feeling well and found it difficult to get in a comfortable position. I have been very emotional and trying not to be depressed. I see everyone living their lives, working, going out and just going about their everyday things. I would give anything to be there. I have my sister’s kids for a couple of hours. They are older so it’s just keeping an eye on them. It also helps that they are great kids.
Tony and Mary went to Roswell for the weekend, my daughter went to Deming; it made me think of how I wish I could leave town for a little while. I don’t remember when the last time I was on vacation was.
Yesterday, I went with tony to go run errands. I was with him maybe 3 hours then I started to notice that he was getting a little frustrated because I had to walk slowly. After a while he would drop me off at the door and pick me up there. Before I knew it, he had brought me home. We still had other things to do, but he brought me home. I guess it was too much for him. I guess this is why I don’t have anyone in my life. My daughter is the same way; she doesn’t seem to want to help me anymore. She makes faces when she knows I have appointments. I don’t really rely on her as much anymore. I know I am not alone so to speak but it feels like it sometimes.
Tony and Mary went to Roswell for the weekend, my daughter went to Deming; it made me think of how I wish I could leave town for a little while. I don’t remember when the last time I was on vacation was.
Yesterday, I went with tony to go run errands. I was with him maybe 3 hours then I started to notice that he was getting a little frustrated because I had to walk slowly. After a while he would drop me off at the door and pick me up there. Before I knew it, he had brought me home. We still had other things to do, but he brought me home. I guess it was too much for him. I guess this is why I don’t have anyone in my life. My daughter is the same way; she doesn’t seem to want to help me anymore. She makes faces when she knows I have appointments. I don’t really rely on her as much anymore. I know I am not alone so to speak but it feels like it sometimes.
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I\'ve experience the same thing myself. It\'s like a fish looking out of a fish bowl and watching life pass you by, in a way. We want so desparately to be \"normal\" again. We want to be able to work so we at least have contact with our co-workers, like we used to. We want to be able to go to the mall, or hop into a car and drive to see our family. My sister lives 5 hrs away from me. It\'s a beautiful drive through the mountains, but I can\'t do it. I know how sad it makes you feel. I understand your frustration and a since of abandonment, or even rejection by those close to you, who should be more compassionate, etc. The thing to keep in mind is that you haven\'t done any thing wrong. You are a wonderful woman who loves the Lord and you always try to be positive, and to hold so close to your heart the faith that gets you through the really tough times. It\'s not unusual to feel depressed or discouraged when we have long bouts of this horrible disease that is something others really can\'t see or understand because it has to do with what\'s going on inside our brains. It misfires! It sends us the wrong messages..and you know what? Unless someone has this disease, they can\'t relate to us. We look normal (except when we wobble or teeter, or walk like a duck or a drunk. Hey...it can be embarrassing..but at least we\'re trying. You haven\'t given up. You keep taking a look at each milestone you\'ve made. Sure, we may take a step or two backwards, but on those days when we feel so good...it give us the hope we need to understand that a better day is around the corner. I\'ve been dealing with this for 11yrs now. In a way I guess that\'s helped me to understand that there will be a day, a week, a month or more, when I feel absolutely cruddy. BUT...there are days when I thank God for allowing me to get out and about. I don\'t venture far from home, but at least I\'m getting out there and trying. Don\'t beat yourself up, ok? We are here for you and you do inspire us, listen to our experiences and together, we can support each other, comfort each other and more importantly relate to each other and share blessings, no matter how big or small they are. That\'s what I like about you the most. Keep the faith my precious friend. HUGS ~~ June