1/4/07 it's about 12:32 and I feeling worse than I did yesterday. The only person who has shown me affection is my Baby Boy marcus. he's 2 years old and he is the only reason I'm not giving up/ I cried lastnight and he brought me a towel and began to wipe my eyes and nose...it made me smile because i knew he was to young to understand my pain but he understood enough to know that he needed to be there for me anyway. He's my life and joy. It hurts so bad to have another m/c because i look at how beautiful he is and can only imagine how beautiful the others would of been. I feel so alone all I have is him (My Son ). Me and his father is sill together but he hasn't been here for me emotionally with neither 3 m/c. It hurts to think that the one you thought you could count on is not there through the bad times not really the good either. I'm hurting so bad I don't have anyone to turn to except God and my son but I don't want my son to see me hurting and i'm to hurt to actually say a long prayer. My mom and dad have both tried to be there but I just lie to them and tell them I'm fine and I'm not hurting and I know this happen for a reason basically pretend to be positive so they want worry about me. I just want to get away for a few days. I wish my mom could keep my son while I just get a way by myself and deal with this alone, I'm alone anyway my boyfriend acts like he doesn't have a care in the world and like this doesn't bother him and he has no compassion for me or this situation.He says he hurting and just b/c he doesn't show it like me doesn't mean he's not hurting. Even before we he knew I m/c we argued and it hurt to know that he couldn't put his pride a side to just call me at work and see how I'm feeling as far as the baby went.He can get in bed and go to sleep like nothing happen. I haven't had a good sleep since I went to the ER 12/30 and found out I was pregnant and had a m/c. When I told him I was discharging some clear liquid he still acted like he didn't care even though we were mad at each oter. I just know that if he was in a situation and we were upset with each other if he would tell me he's not feeling well I would be concerned and ready to do what he needs me to do reguardless if we were mad or not. I couldn't act like I don't care. But when we're mad at each other he could careless what happens to me or at least that how he makes me feel. we argue fuss fight and it just make it even more harder. He's not a phsical person but I get physical maybe by throwomg things at him when he makes me angry. He really can't see what he does to make me act and feel the way I do. All he evers says in response to that is "well look at what you do!" Well I do what I do because of the way he makes me feel. All my life I felt alone. I never trusted anyone because they always abuse my trust. I have a big heart that's always willing to go over and above the limit with loyalty and honesty and so much more just to get nothing but heart ache in return. What do I do ? My heart want let my mind think at all. Like I stated before the only reason I'm still here is because of my son. He my smiles,joy, my heart,my love, my life, my everything. He's been here for me more than anyone.I couldn't and want give up on being here for him. I pray God gives me strenght to stay strong for my son because he is all I have.