sigh

well always the procrastinator, i wanted to come here more often and haven't....ha.
still sober but i have been struggling.  you know i keep reading how only you can make yourself happy, it's all attitude.  it's true i think.  i realize i suffer with depression and i am on meds for it as well as other shit but i realize only i can make myself or maybe it's let myself be happy.  it isn't like i haven't been trying, i do.  so what the fuck?  why am i still feeling sad?  down?  nothing?   my god are alcoholics ever happy????
it isn't like i am crying everyday, or secluding myself from life, i'm not.  i'm just not enthusiastic about life.  i have said so many times before that of all the people i know, i should be so happy and satisfied with my life.  is it selfish that i am depressed.  does that make me unthankful for my life and where we are today?  oh hell maybe its the creative, artsy me.  you know as they say, artists are never happy in fact most are depressed.............phhht.
that being said, i feel like i am one of those people who substitutes one addiction for another.  shopping?  eating? (that pisses me off)  dieting?  interesting.
seems all i do is vent the negative and i suppose that is what this site is all about.  being able to vent in order to stay strong?  i do laugh, i do smile, i do go out and socialize, it's just that i feel almost outside myself.  like i am in some kind of a fog.  like i am going insane.  why doesn't anyone understand this???  why does it seem i am the only person that this is happening to?  i guess it's like that question, why am i here?  nothing seems real anymore, just making it through another day before the inevitable.  and asking myself, am i really an alcoholic?  i have gone this long without a drink, so really, what would happen if i had one drink???? what really would happen?  am i really an alcoholic?????  i don't really know anymore. 
 
sigh