well it has been forever since i wrote here.  i am amazed at myself actually. it used to be i sat around feeling sorry for myself, drunk, etc etc etc.  i had no amition or goals.  my only goal was to get drunk every night.  well i am proud to say, yes i said proud gary, that i have been sober now for 652 days.  i look back now and realize just how much i hate that person i used to be.  how much i realize, that isn't who i am at all.  oh i was mean.  i would blame everyone but myself for everything.  even for my drinking.  wow.  so sorry everyone.  i am so sorry.   i have gone back to when i was younger and realized why i drank.  how it progressed and how each day i needed more and more and more.  i was driving my family away.  my  kids were embarassed and ashamed of me.  my daughter even admitted that she hated me and didnt want to come home or be around me then.  i had no idea. i am happy to say she has changed her feelings and we have an awesome relationship now.  both my kids hang around and we actually laugh.  my husband is such a huge support and i am so thankful for that.  our own relationship is improving. dont get me wrong though.  the odd day does still pop up unexpectantly and i find myself wishing i had a drink.  in fact is often now wonder if maybe i was just in a bad habit and now that i have things in control, i could probably handle it again.  that is a tough one for me lately.  i dont think of alcohol first thing when i wake anymore or before i go to bed.  i am doing more, setting  goals and have realistic dreams.  so then i start wondering occassionaly if i had a drink i could probably handle it now.  it isnt in control i am.  if that makes any sense. anyway if gary or susan read this, i miss you guys and i will contact you soon.  it feels like forever and i hope all is well.  i think of you both often. i cantthank you both for all your support and gary i cant thank you enough for getting me to this point today.  awesome.  enough for nowalwaysdragonfly