i have been working through so much shit these past few weeks.  trying to decide in my mind, right and wrong.  fighting guilt.  guilt, that in all honesty, i have decided i shouldn't be feeling.  i have carried so much guilt around with me for so long, some self inflicted, some put on me by others when it shouldn't have been.  i'm tired of it.  i am most definitely the most emotional person i know.  the mood swings i can have in a day can be overwhelming sometimes but i am coming to a realization that that is better to let happen than numb myself with alcohol.  a year ago, the thought of sobriety scared me to death, today the thought  of not being sober scares me to death.  sobriety has to be the most imortant step i have ever taken for myself and today i can honestly say, i am so glad i did it.   now i learn to cope.  that is the hardest thing i have had to deal with.  i am horrible at coping.  i hate change and so much is changing in my life right now yet again.  i have had to make some decisions that have upset me deeply and that i have to live with but now i am feeling so guilty for these decisions.  i dont want to wake up one day feeling regret.  do i not have the right to put myself and my feelings first for once in my life and protect my self from being hurt?  do i not have the right to make a decision that will make it easier for me to cope in the end rather than totally fall apart and most definitely end up drinking again.  i say this because i know it would be the only thing that would drive me to drink.  thing is that making this decision affects how others feel and what if they are dying?  does that make me a bad person, a horrible person?  i just dont know now.  i have enough issues in my life i have to deal with.  is that not more important for me and my family and life at home than someone online i have never met, who is apparently dying, who has a family themselves, yet feels i am more important for them than their own family?  omg i am fucked up. i will be sober for 1 year on feb 25.  i plan on staying that way.  i have made decisions that i have to live with affecting others.  i have put myself and my feelings as well as my familys before this person regardless of their health and their situations in their home.  we have not and never will meet in life.  am i wrong?  if not why do i carry such guilt and saddness?   HP if you ever existed, i really need you to exist now!!!!!!  i'm haveing a really hard time and now i am rambling. heres to another day sober and another day searching for answers...alwaysdragonfly