they say we only have control over our own thoughts and feelings, well i dont feel like i have control over that at all.  i am feeling overwhelming guilt and regret and sadness today because of certain circumstances that i feel i have caused.  now i am getting what i deserve.  hatred and backs turned on me.   i thought i was over this and was in control but i am not.  i caused all this.  i am to blame.  i stopped drinking 10 fucking months ago and now feel i wasted my time.  that i havent stopped hurting people but made things worse and fucked up other peoples lives to the point of them hating me and i cant deal with that.  i dont know how this all happened.  i hate me.  things are not good.  not good at all.  i just dont give a shit.  i am getting what i deserve.  i cant live with the guilt.   it must be me who is insane.  it must be.  i give up.  i am getting what i deserve.