man, you know?  just when things seem to be going along smoothly shit always happens in my life.  just when i have resolved myself to certain decisions and changes i have made in my life, i am yet again contacted by people that are toxic in my life but i miss deeply.  i dont think its guilt i feel, infact i know deep down the decisions i am making are the right ones in the long run, its just damn fucking hard sticking to them when i have no control over others feelings or actions.  i feel sad.  physically, i am feeling better.  just not sleeping.  mentally i am clearer and making decisions, as i said, that in the long run i know inside are the best ones made.  emotionally i am a mess.  i guess that old saying, time heals all, will eventually happen.  it is just not helping now.  i am well aware of the fact i want things to happen immediately and that would mean my issues all solved now and i move on but that just isnt the case. one thing i do know is that with this continuing drama, this incicident will not push me to drink.  in fact i think that i am realizing the drink wont solve my issues but logical and clear thinking can.  OH MY GOD AM I GROWING?????  god forbid!!!! i wonder sometimes how the hell i got myself into the mess i am in and how the hell do i put it behind me when in fact it has totally changed my life.  i wont go into detail, certain people know .  it makes me sad i am closing a chapter in my life i thought would never end and one i am still not sure i want ended.  to be honest i'm not quite sure how to deal with that without alcohol.  how odd is that.  i am not going to let it push me to drink though.  i know this now. whatever, i am rambling and venting as usual.  i really am not always so negative, i am just crawling out of more than one hole right now and as any alcoholic knows, we hate change.   anyway on a lighter note today is day 60 yeah me...... alwaysdragonfly