well here i sit realizing i need to do something with my life.  how could a person be married almost 23 years and not have a life?  i went to college i am not a stupid woman.  my passion used to be drawing.  how did i ever lose that?  it's like i lost all ambition for life somewhere along the way and it makes me sad.  i dont think it's anyones fault specifically, its just more a chain of events that led up to today.  i am realizing, slowly, that drinking had a huge effect on mylife as far as making me feel like a hostage in my own body.  taking away my ambitions i guess and taking over.  how sad is that.  now i dont know how to get that back.  i look at all my pencils and paints and sketch books and go "eh" whatever.  someday again maybe.  i feel like i have lost the ability to draw.its actually day 35 for me.  physically i am feeling better.  the headaches are passing but the lack of sleep and ability to sleep is still with me.  i'm sure over time that will get better as well.  i dont like taking sleeping pills everynight and i actually still dont feel totally rested the next day anyway.  i know this is my journal and its where i should be venting but i come here and just write and after i read i am so negative.  i dont want to be, it just comes out that way.  shit i guess i am just still depressed.  sighwell i suppose i will write more later.dragonfly