i am finding i have way to much time on my hands and that makes me think about shit way to much.  i cant help it.  there are so many things that have changed in my life over the course of the past few months and i HATE change.  i dont adapt well or easily to change.  it stresses me out big time.  i know inside that these changes are for the best but in my head its like i am having this tug of war with knowing whats best and hanging on to toxic things i am having a hard time letting go of.  how insane is that?  it seems physically, i am coming along.  i am dealing with the headaches and being cronically tired all the time.  i am slowly adjusting to the zoloft but honestly feel my dosage isnt high enough becuase i still feel so depressed and although i am not suicidal the thoughts remain.  the support from my dr and family has been great and has made a huge difference this time.   mentally and emotionally i am a basket case.  its like i am torn between two worlds and i know in my heart which is best and which is the most loving and stable of the two yet the other has this undescribable, unrealistic, totally obsessive hold on me.  what the fuck is wrong with me.  is it because of my addictive nature? have i substituted one addiction for another?  its so insane.  hell its making me insane.  so here i sit feeling lost and lonely and unhappy when in fact i should be happy and in love with my husband.  what a fucking mess.  sometimes i think if i had never gotten a computer 6 years ago or so, my life would be completely different.  yet at the same time i am a firm believer that things happen for a reason.  even meeting people happens for a reason. it just ends up in a mess sometimes.  i find myself at that point now.  maybe being an alcoholic makes me think this is bigger or makes me turn it into a bigger more dramatic issue than it really is.  worst part is i hate drama and stress.  its just all so insane.i just want to be happy again and i cant seem to find that inside myself.  i feel like i am just going through the motions of living each day.  trying to stay sober, taking sleeping pills so i can sleep and feeling tired and unmotivated during the day only to repeat the same process over and over as i watch everyone else around me being happy and somewhat fulfilled in life.  i hate being an alcoholic, i hate that i think or percieve things differently and i hate being unhappy, stressed, anxious, depressed, lonely, tired, emotional, a bitch, hell emotionless, negative,  insane.  everything is so complicated it feels when it should be so easy. be in the moment i am always told and i find that one of the hardest things to do especially when my mind is always going.  thinking.   shit i feel like all i do is come on here and bitch chew and complain.  a whiner.  well i hate that too. i used to be so alive so independant.  in control of my life.  what the hell happened? lost dragonfly