i am finding myself more and more in a tug of war with myself and this fucking disease.  it seems just when i think i am winning i lose.  my coping skills with stress and anxiety and shit that happens in my life are horrible.  i use alcohol to self medicate and i use alcohol to cope when inside i know its wrong but i cant help it.  yesterday i found myself acting like a mad woman, so overwhelmed with stress and anxiety over situations in my life, that i debated buying alcohol and when i made that decision to buy it i couldnt  get to the store fast enough, all the while giving myself shit and berating myself while going there.  still, it didnt stop me buying it and drinking.  what the fuck have i become? this goddamn disease is taking over more and more and more.  i'm hiding booze so no one knows i have it.  why?  i feel like shit in the mornings and swear to god i wont drink today but i do it.  why?   i get so pissed when someone who doesnt drink has no idea what this is like or understands what i am feeling.  i feel so damn alone sometimes and so sad.   i just dont know if i care anymore if i stop or not.  i dont know what to think anymore.