well this is one f'n rocky road isnt it.  i have said it before i am on a damn rollar coaster but right now i suppose i am on my up. again!!  i did so well in the summer.  3 months sober.  i am still beating myself up over starting to drink again.  now it seems i am on and off on and off.  i stop then something pisses me off and i start again. i know i have to let go and realize how well i did then and just do it again only stick with it... well this is day 4.  physically i feel like shit still but i know that will pass.  i am waiting for my head to become clearer it seems easier when it is and right now i am still somewhat foggy in my thinking and today feeling totally out of it mentally.  for me my biggest issue is the mental and emotional issues i have in my life, be it brought on by myself or put on me by others, i could argue both ways so perhaps they are equally to blame.  why do i allow other peoples words and actions affect me to the point it triggers my cravings and it ends up dictating how i react and what my actions are?  i know better i tell myself dont do it they win and are in control.  it just seems so difficult at times.  i honestly dont want to be hungover feeling like shit every day.  i dont want to be walking around in a cloud all day long only to start drinking when it clears.   i am tired of passing up activities due to hangovers or wanting to drink instead.  i am damn tired of crying then being pissed off.  i am really tired of letting my kids see this and end up pissed off at me even when i know they love me as much as i love them.  i am tired of feeling guilty for other peoples choices in life and i am tired of the stress and anxiety surrounding dysfuncional relationships.  that is a huge one.  i cant seem to get past that one.i think i am just tired.....so why is this so fucking difficult.  i am told i am into this self pity thing and i detest self pity.  i sure as hell dont want pity and i sure as hell dont want to wallow in my own.  i am way to emotional.  i suppose i am my own worst enemy, my own worst crititc when i should be my own best friend and i cant seem to be that to myself.   when i should love myself i actually hate myself.  i honestly want to learn to love myself so i can get control of me instead of the drink or other people being in control.  damn it sounds so fucking easy when in reality its so damn hard.i ask myself many times how did it get this way.  it isnt supposed to be like this.  i dont have a horrible life i had a loving caring safe and trusting upbringing where alcohol was not around.  so i often ask myself why me.  i suppose a classic question for alcoholics...  well i suppose the answer is because.  shit happens.  so today i will be thankful i am an alcoholic because i could be dying of cancer, i could be bedridden with illness, i could be without my children and i am aware there are people less fortunate and with disease far worse than the one i have.  so today i will actually be thankful.ok i have gone on if i think of more i will journal later.quick question.... i am the worst for getting totally sidetracked in what i am doing.  i start at something and cant seem to finish.......is this me is this my thinking is this what alcoholics are like???  i just cant focus long enough to finish a damn thing lately. anyway heres to another day sober always dragonfly