day 18 and to be honest i dont know if i can do this another day. i am at war with myself. i am not a stupid woman and i know what is right and what is wrong for me. so why is my desire for alcohol and getting lost stronger than my desire to be sober right now? i am in so much pain and i dont know how to move forward i dont know how to let go of the past and i am not 100% sure i want to let go of a lot of it. if there truly is a hell this must be it because i am not a happy person. i cry everyday and i am tired of crying. i am a guilty person and that is overwhelming. instead of feeling i am a fighter i am feeling i am a whining selfish self pitying disappointment. all things i dont want to be. everything is just to overwhelming. i am tired of all this. i dont know the solution everyone talks about and i am not a group person. i am not and AA type of person i admit that and i cant be critisized for that but i cant help that. if that is me in denial i dont believe that. i know i am an alcoholic. i am just a weak one. i have pushed a person i love desperately to his edge and for all i know he could be dead because of me and that guilt is to overwhelming. i want to hide i am tired of being in pain. my deal is one step forward and two steps back. it never used to be this way.it never used to be this way.
Replies
I feel so much the same way as you. I wish I knew the answer for you, but I sure don\'t. I know how frustrating it is to not be able to figure out a solution for yourself. I feel the same, that I am intelligent and have good common sense, know what should be right for myself. That\'s what makes it so frustrating, to not be able to figure the whole mess out and fix it for good and be done with it. I know how hard you are trying, too. I know how tiring it is to keep trying so hard. It just wears you out. But, please keep trying. I\'ll always be here to listen if you need me. :)
Are you still Here?
I started and stayed with AA ONLY because it would help me in court get my revenge, or so I thought. I Know how frigin hard this can be and trying to do it ALONE is next to imposible. My brother who was 1 year older than I figured AA wasn\'t for him, our youngest sister found him dead in bed and he had been there for 2 days...closed coffin.
WE all need help to be successful my freind.
John F.