well i didnt drink last night or today so far.  i just want to go back 4 days and forget they ever happened and not start counting at 1 but rather continue counting at 101 with a speed bump.  i am feeling if i start all over again and start my day today as day 2 then all the goddamn work i did staying sober for 3 months was wasted.  what do i do?its funny how one falls without realizing it.  i didnt wake up in the morning and say to myself fuck all this i am going to drink today.  in fact i didnt really think until dinner and snap, i want a glass of wine with dinner.  it was that sudden.  worst part is my husband said why after this long?  i didnt know i just wanted one and he joked saying you arent supposed to drink.  regardless of his comments he just happened to have a bottle of red wine hidden away and it was open before i changed my mind.  needless to say it was me who finished the bottle and for 4 days continued on a spiral that now pisses me off and humiliates me.  why?  why did i do it?  why?   not only am i disappointed in him for allowing this when my judgement from this fucking disease was clouded i am disappointed in myself for falling.  why the hell does it happen and worst why was it so damn easy.  it felt like i had never stopped drinking it was that simple.  is that normal?  is that what happens?  how do i fight this if it is so easy to pick up a drink after 3 months?  i feel so alone in this battle.  each time it gets harder and harder it seems.  i just dont want to start back at day one.  i feel so defeated.dragonfly