day 65

i suppose my life couldnt get any worse at this time.  i am so desperately trying to find a HP and believe i have one.  for 3 fucking years i feel i have been tested and continually pushed but for some goddamn reason i stopped drinking and yet again i am being tested and pushed and to be honest, this time i am not sure if i am strong enough to keep enduring.  a friend says to believe in a HP, i want to.  so i question.... if i didnt have a HP wouldnt i be drinking after all this fucking bullshit i have been enduring?  if i didnt have a HP wouldnt i have most likely committed suicide yesterday?   if i didnt have a HP, for you who knows, would i not be committed into the psych ward as of now?  i am enduring and waking up so something must be the cause of that.  i am so damn tired.  i just want all this to end.  i just want to be brave enough to let go.  accept what is happening and let go.  why cant i?

atleast i am sober.

always

dragonfly