i wish i could take apill before bed and wake up in the morning happy, no problems, the past put behind me and live my life.
then reality hits and i realize just how shitty my life really is at this moment in time. like i have said gjm, i have the knowledge i know what is supposed to be done and in my rational mind understand but i am still irrational, depressed and not sure how to get my fucking ass out of all this andmove forward. maybe i havent really accepted step 2 after all and i digress. or maybe i have and i am fighting it (bullheadedness remember, kicking and screaming all the way even if unintentional).
why the hell cant this be easy. why do i have to make everything so fucking dramatic and complicated. why do i have to over think issues instead of waking up, forgetting yesterday and taking today for what it is. why is that so difficult. why is accepting each moment as it comes so hard when dwelling on the past seems so easy of a rut to stay in. its killing me.
i still hate me. i hate what is happening to me. i hate that i feel out of control instead of in control of my own life. not other people but my own life. i have wasted so much time not living because i am holding onto things that may never be that i dont know how to live anymore. how sad and pathetic is that. i dont even know if i am truly moving forward even when i am told i am. i have lost faith in me and all the things i used to love i gave up. goddamn i feel lost and each day i try to dig myway out and i start and then i feel like i have slipped back again. am i wallowing in self pity. hell ya probably.
whatever i suppose if i cant vent here where else can i.
always
dragonfly...............
Replies
Hey...I am back! Survived the trip. I only read your last journal entry to catch up. Sorry to hear you are still struggling so much. Please don\'t hate yourself, you are worth so much more than hating, stop it. Don\'t feel out of control, be in control. Stop wasting time right now, tomorrow. Nothing is sad or pathetic about you or your life. You have your own business, damn it. You are beating this drinking thing. You are moving forward, believe it or not. Don\'t ever lose faith in yourself because you can only depend on yourself ultimately. You have to have faith in yourself. You have not given up all of the things you loved. You love your kids and I know you love yourself. Don\'t feel lost, because you aren\'t lost. You are digging your way out, you are not slipping back. Don\'t, DO NOT wallow in self-pity, you are much stronger than that. Wallowing does you no good. Come on, Dee. You are so worthwhile and you have so much going for you, no matter what. You have yourself and your kids and they need you and want you in their lives. Don\'t be depressed, just don\'t. I know it\'s hard not to, but just decide that you will not let depression overwhelm or overtake you. Look at the sunrise tomorrow and the sunshine during the day, everything around you and no matter what else is going on, just being alive and experiencing everything in this world is so worth waking up every day. Don\'t let any of this crap take you down, just don\'t do it. I am going to have to go, but just remember I love ya and lots of people love you and care about you and you do, too, so let\'s start tomorrow with a new hope and a new vision and it only revolves around you. Stop worrying about things out of your control, for at least one day, just stop. I\'ll say hey tomorrow when I am back to crappy old work!!!!! :) :) Smile!!!!!!
Susan
Hey...I am back! Survived the trip. I only read your last journal entry to catch up. Sorry to hear you are still struggling so much. Please don\'t hate yourself, you are worth so much more than hating, stop it. Don\'t feel out of control, be in control. Stop wasting time right now, tomorrow. Nothing is sad or pathetic about you or your life. You have your own business, damn it. You are beating this drinking thing. You are moving forward, believe it or not. Don\'t ever lose faith in yourself because you can only depend on yourself ultimately. You have to have faith in yourself. You have not given up all of the things you loved. You love your kids and I know you love yourself. Don\'t feel lost, because you aren\'t lost. You are digging your way out, you are not slipping back. Don\'t, DO NOT wallow in self-pity, you are much stronger than that. Wallowing does you no good. Come on, Dee. You are so worthwhile and you have so much going for you, no matter what. You have yourself and your kids and they need you and want you in their lives. Don\'t be depressed, just don\'t. I know it\'s hard not to, but just decide that you will not let depression overwhelm or overtake you. Look at the sunrise tomorrow and the sunshine during the day, everything around you and no matter what else is going on, just being alive and experiencing everything in this world is so worth waking up every day. Don\'t let any of this crap take you down, just don\'t do it. I am going to have to go, but just remember I love ya and lots of people love you and care about you and you do, too, so let\'s start tomorrow with a new hope and a new vision and it only revolves around you. Stop worrying about things out of your control, for at least one day, just stop. I\'ll say hey tomorrow when I am back to crappy old work!!!!! :) :) Smile!!!!!!
Susan
Sorry you got this twice, but read it both times!!! :) Susan
I agree 100% with telsa, but could never have said it so well, your not alone and alot of people do care about you, myself included, try to remember we\'re all so proud of you, your in my thoughts everyday. don