Hey,

I am somewhat proud that i have made it to my day 9.  Yesterday was a struggle emotionally and i dont deal well when it comes to emotional issues.  I usually drink!!!   I am so thankful for a few people i have met here to talk to me and help me through.  I never would have guessed in a million years a place online like here would make a difference in my life but it seems to be helping me at this moment.  Its funny as I sit here this morning doing my journal i am aware of the birds singing and the smell of my coffee and the fact i dont have some whopping headache and sick to my stomach wanting to go back to bed.  I am actually very happy to be up   I know the road for me is a long one since it isnt just the alcoholism but emotional and relationship issues i need to deal with.  I am realizing to drink was an easy out, a way to hide from dealing with issues yet it actually made my issues 100x worse.  

Someone i met here has told me minute by minute not just one day at a time, to live in the moment not dwell on tomorrow or even the past.  I am realizing what happened yesterday is just that, yesterday.  i cant change the past and parts of it i embrace and will hold forever, but some things should be left there.  That is the hard part for me.  Worrying about tomorrow or next week is definately unproductive and takes the focus away from helping myself at this moment.  He is a very wise person and I take his words to heart.  I am learning sensai lol.  For me its difficult changing my thinking and ways that i have thought for so many years but i cant fight this if i dont.

I can remember just over a week ago i was ready to end my life, today sober for 9 days my head is clearer and i'm thinking to myself "what the hell was i thinking???"  lol.   I have read and researched and learned about my disease but knowledge doesnt fix this, commitment and wanting to live helps fix this.  i still cant guarantee or know if i can stay sober but i am sure trying.  I have had many triggers the past few days that make my craving almost unbearable at times but with talking and redirecting my focus i have fought it.  i feel good about that.  

i am definately rambling this morning.  seems i have a flood of thoughts lol.  its been a long time.  its scary being sober but i am realizing the alternative is even scarier.  

maybe my journal will help someone new see it can be done.  if i can go 9 days so far someone else can too.  

my goal today is to live another day sober.  

always dragonfly