The past few days have been a whirlwind,for sure.
Work has been super busy.
The entire family was here for dinner, as they are every Sunday.
Yesterday afternoon I was invited to speak at the recruiting center here for the !74th Fighter Wing's Wellness Expo. It went really well. The woman (airWOMAN) that was in charge was so incredibly sweet and kind. This is the first wellness event they have had here and it was successful. At the end of the expo she asked if I could please leave some of the materials I had printed to bring for their lending library and info center in the new building for soldiers. That was awesome! She also invited me to attend their next event in the spring!!
While I was there, I was also invited by the president of Upstate Hospital here in Syracuse to attend an event at her home on Black Friday!! Sweet!!
I wrote Jay back an email from his apology email last week. I heard back from him late last night...just a quicky email saying he got my email, that he loves and misses me...that he was int he middle of his work day, but had to write and will write more later.
Im still struggling a bit with this..and I know why. I accept his apology, although I feel he needs to be a bit more open with me. I discussed that in the last email I sent him, in which he will be writing back, or so he says. Im hoping it will give me more clarity.
My question is.... after all of the devastation of divorce, or past relationships...how do we so quickly decide what is worth pushing through, and what is not?
I was talking to my friends Jenny and Sue...2 of my closest friends...who are both veterans. They both said the same thing.....
They said that this is not a standard or normal relationship. And they are right about that. They both said the circumstances are extreme being that he is under duress. They both shared their experiences with me on this topic. and while it brought me a bit more clarity, and reinforced what I had already been thinking about cutting him so slack for his knee jerk response in a time of anger, it still leaves me feeling a bit confused.
I trust him. I really do. And I really do love him with all of my heart and soul.
So, whats a girl to do, other than watch the next 4 months go by and wait to see what happens? I have turned it over to the universe and will be patient. Im following my gut and my heart.
On the other hand...my good friend Danny blasted me like no ones business last night over this. He said that I should never ever ever speak to him again. he is like a big brother to me.. I know he doesnt want to see me hurt. I think he is being protective. But I also think he is VERY extreme and can easily cut people out of his life.
That is not my style. And I dont feel as if I have enough or that he has done something so horrible to warrant that.
Maybe it will be better when he is back home, maybe it wont be. Only time will tell.
With all fo these turkey things around for Thanksgiving... i cant help but think of so many things and memories are flooding in.
Before Jay left for Afghanistan, it was mid March and I was visiting him on post. It was a Sunday afternoon... we had no plans to see each other that day and I surprised him. I will never forget the look on his face when I knocked on his door and he opened it. Priceless. :) He swooped me up, closed the door..we sat and chatted for hours before, during and after being all tangled up with one another in skin. We drove off post for a late lunch. I remember everything about that day.... the way he wanted to hold my hand the entire time we were sitting in the restaurant, the conversation on the way there where we were laughing about silly childhood stories.
On our way back onto post, we got through the gates and entered a 20 mph zone... I remember chattering away, but not thinking about the speed zone. Driving through in his little green Camaro, unable to keep my eyes off of him while he was driving. I realized were stopped int he middle of the road and finally took my eyes off of him to see wild turkeys crossing the road. A whole line of them...taking turns...probably 8 or so. The last one seemed so old and slow...it felt as if time stood still for a minute. Then Jay says... "Baby, look!" I look over..the last old, slow turkey is just about to the other side of the road....with a big old arrow sticking out of its backside. Someone obviously thought it was still bow season....the poor little guy. I wish I could just have gotten out of the car and plucked the bow out of the poor thing...:( LOL Its funny..but oh so sad.
In Native culture, turkey is a symbol of sacrifice and blessings.
Pretty ironic...considering Jay is sacrificing himself right now... and how I needed to see of all of that.
These Thanksgiving turleys everywhere are just reminding me...
Also...from my past.....
November 20, 2003. I will never forget. Just a few days prior to Thanksgiving. My then husband had been wounded in combat. I got the call while I was at work at about 530 pm. sgt major called to say there was a firefight that involved my husband while he was in Afghanistan. He told me he had an abrasion type wound, they were patching him up and sending him back out.
I remember after hanging up the phone, feeling the need to just get down the hall to my son Jackson. I used to direct a childcare center...and my son was there int he building with me...just 2 years old. Tears in my eyes...and just wanting to cling to my baby. I drove to my moms house and told her what happened. She and my dad were so upset... I think I handled it better than they did.. Decided to sleep on it before getting my mother in law upset.
I was told during that phone call that they would have my husband call me immediately. I waited and waited and prayed and prayed...never heard anything that next day.
2 days later, Joel calls int he morning. I remember feeling so relieved to hear his voice. He sounded groggy and i thought ok..wow, he just woke up. Turns out he just got out of the recovery room from surgery. I was like...WTF? Surgery? He said.... Babe....I got shot... they just removed two 762 rounds from my back.
WHAT???
His command lied to me on the phone!!!! They told me he had an abrasion!!!
By this time, he was in Germany..where he had his surgery. and stayed there for 3 weeks and then shipped him to Walter Reed for 2 more weeks.
Wow...that was a thanksgiving to remember. I remember being SO grateful he was still alive and well. so so grateful.... it made me view life very differently through that experience.
Only to have 3more years go by of sheer HELL with that man. I thought that incident would have been his "wake up" call. It was so horrible BEFORE that all happened..I was naive enough to think that it would make him look differently on things...but it didnt....and thats ok now.
And now I am grateful that I no longer have to live like that with my abuser. So so grateful
Gratitude.... comes in many forms...life can change on a dime. nothing is static.
all this turkey stuff is bringing up so much for me right now. Its all good though, Im a survivor... the good, the bad, the ugly, the indifferent...
Im just wondering what this turkey day will bring.
Work has been super busy.
The entire family was here for dinner, as they are every Sunday.
Yesterday afternoon I was invited to speak at the recruiting center here for the !74th Fighter Wing's Wellness Expo. It went really well. The woman (airWOMAN) that was in charge was so incredibly sweet and kind. This is the first wellness event they have had here and it was successful. At the end of the expo she asked if I could please leave some of the materials I had printed to bring for their lending library and info center in the new building for soldiers. That was awesome! She also invited me to attend their next event in the spring!!
While I was there, I was also invited by the president of Upstate Hospital here in Syracuse to attend an event at her home on Black Friday!! Sweet!!
I wrote Jay back an email from his apology email last week. I heard back from him late last night...just a quicky email saying he got my email, that he loves and misses me...that he was int he middle of his work day, but had to write and will write more later.
Im still struggling a bit with this..and I know why. I accept his apology, although I feel he needs to be a bit more open with me. I discussed that in the last email I sent him, in which he will be writing back, or so he says. Im hoping it will give me more clarity.
My question is.... after all of the devastation of divorce, or past relationships...how do we so quickly decide what is worth pushing through, and what is not?
I was talking to my friends Jenny and Sue...2 of my closest friends...who are both veterans. They both said the same thing.....
They said that this is not a standard or normal relationship. And they are right about that. They both said the circumstances are extreme being that he is under duress. They both shared their experiences with me on this topic. and while it brought me a bit more clarity, and reinforced what I had already been thinking about cutting him so slack for his knee jerk response in a time of anger, it still leaves me feeling a bit confused.
I trust him. I really do. And I really do love him with all of my heart and soul.
So, whats a girl to do, other than watch the next 4 months go by and wait to see what happens? I have turned it over to the universe and will be patient. Im following my gut and my heart.
On the other hand...my good friend Danny blasted me like no ones business last night over this. He said that I should never ever ever speak to him again. he is like a big brother to me.. I know he doesnt want to see me hurt. I think he is being protective. But I also think he is VERY extreme and can easily cut people out of his life.
That is not my style. And I dont feel as if I have enough or that he has done something so horrible to warrant that.
Maybe it will be better when he is back home, maybe it wont be. Only time will tell.
With all fo these turkey things around for Thanksgiving... i cant help but think of so many things and memories are flooding in.
Before Jay left for Afghanistan, it was mid March and I was visiting him on post. It was a Sunday afternoon... we had no plans to see each other that day and I surprised him. I will never forget the look on his face when I knocked on his door and he opened it. Priceless. :) He swooped me up, closed the door..we sat and chatted for hours before, during and after being all tangled up with one another in skin. We drove off post for a late lunch. I remember everything about that day.... the way he wanted to hold my hand the entire time we were sitting in the restaurant, the conversation on the way there where we were laughing about silly childhood stories.
On our way back onto post, we got through the gates and entered a 20 mph zone... I remember chattering away, but not thinking about the speed zone. Driving through in his little green Camaro, unable to keep my eyes off of him while he was driving. I realized were stopped int he middle of the road and finally took my eyes off of him to see wild turkeys crossing the road. A whole line of them...taking turns...probably 8 or so. The last one seemed so old and slow...it felt as if time stood still for a minute. Then Jay says... "Baby, look!" I look over..the last old, slow turkey is just about to the other side of the road....with a big old arrow sticking out of its backside. Someone obviously thought it was still bow season....the poor little guy. I wish I could just have gotten out of the car and plucked the bow out of the poor thing...:( LOL Its funny..but oh so sad.
In Native culture, turkey is a symbol of sacrifice and blessings.
Pretty ironic...considering Jay is sacrificing himself right now... and how I needed to see of all of that.
These Thanksgiving turleys everywhere are just reminding me...
Also...from my past.....
November 20, 2003. I will never forget. Just a few days prior to Thanksgiving. My then husband had been wounded in combat. I got the call while I was at work at about 530 pm. sgt major called to say there was a firefight that involved my husband while he was in Afghanistan. He told me he had an abrasion type wound, they were patching him up and sending him back out.
I remember after hanging up the phone, feeling the need to just get down the hall to my son Jackson. I used to direct a childcare center...and my son was there int he building with me...just 2 years old. Tears in my eyes...and just wanting to cling to my baby. I drove to my moms house and told her what happened. She and my dad were so upset... I think I handled it better than they did.. Decided to sleep on it before getting my mother in law upset.
I was told during that phone call that they would have my husband call me immediately. I waited and waited and prayed and prayed...never heard anything that next day.
2 days later, Joel calls int he morning. I remember feeling so relieved to hear his voice. He sounded groggy and i thought ok..wow, he just woke up. Turns out he just got out of the recovery room from surgery. I was like...WTF? Surgery? He said.... Babe....I got shot... they just removed two 762 rounds from my back.
WHAT???
His command lied to me on the phone!!!! They told me he had an abrasion!!!
By this time, he was in Germany..where he had his surgery. and stayed there for 3 weeks and then shipped him to Walter Reed for 2 more weeks.
Wow...that was a thanksgiving to remember. I remember being SO grateful he was still alive and well. so so grateful.... it made me view life very differently through that experience.
Only to have 3more years go by of sheer HELL with that man. I thought that incident would have been his "wake up" call. It was so horrible BEFORE that all happened..I was naive enough to think that it would make him look differently on things...but it didnt....and thats ok now.
And now I am grateful that I no longer have to live like that with my abuser. So so grateful
Gratitude.... comes in many forms...life can change on a dime. nothing is static.
all this turkey stuff is bringing up so much for me right now. Its all good though, Im a survivor... the good, the bad, the ugly, the indifferent...
Im just wondering what this turkey day will bring.
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