Alone.

I have tried so hard to make friends & move on with my life after all that's happened to me in the past, but something won't shake off me. It just seems like I have such a hard time trusting people & just knowing that if I let people know the 'real' me they won't accept who I am & the changes I have made to better myself. From all the 'medicine' I used to take & I am going to be honest I used to abuse all kinds of drugs, I am just so thankful I am past that time of my life because I was a very destructive person & harming myself with chemicals that put me on a route to no where good. So here I am picking it all up, and starting again...I can still be what I want to be, but why is it I can't trust people? I am just so afraid of being betrayed like I have been time & time again. My best friend of 5 years just completely stopped talking to me, and I really don't know the reason why I have tried calling him, texting him, just no answers. My girlfriend of 3 years cheated on me & hasn't spoken to me since. I literally have no clue who my friends are & the only person who support my decisions are my Mother & Father who stand behind be all the way. If I didn't have them I don't know where I would be today, but it would be no where good. I have learned a lot about myself in the past year, and it's that I shouldn't let little things like people abandoning me hurt or affect me because I have done nothing wrong. The worst thing I could've possibly done was care to much. I have never been cruel or mean to anyone & I appreciate everyone who enters my life because I expect the same kind of treatment back to me. Why can't I get that though?? Feels like I am just being taken advantage of. When my girlfriend broke up with me I found out that I surrounded myself to much in her business & friends that I didn't know who to talk to. When people would ask me what happened I would tell them the truth & they still took her side & are currently still friends with her & don't bother to ask how I am doing or if I am even still friends with them so I deleted them from my life. I couldn't have that. Acting like I was the bad guy all along. I have been so stressed out & just desperately looking for someone to talk to. I had nobody...I went to therapy sessions in which ended in me walking out & never returning back. This has happened to me multiple times, and quite frankly I am sick of people telling me to get over it. If it was that easy I think I would be good now, but clearly I am not. I don't really wish for anything because I have everything I need in my family who supports me, but things would be a lot better if I had people to talk to & express my feelings to & mutually respecting the same being there & supporting people. Maybe soon things will be better & I will have people who want to be friends with me, but as of right now I am pretty alone & hurting because I was a really good person with a lot going for me...Now it just seems like I am alone & hoping for a friend to come my way without scaring them off with all my past experiences. Until then I will work to make things better, but it is a struggle I deal with mostly everyday. It a rough feeling bottling up all my emotions & keeping them to myself, and I have no other choice. I still love my ex-girlfriend & not a single day goes by without me thinking about her, times we had, and just why I wasn't good enough... it just hurts...