Today

So today I was just playing basketball out in my back yard doing my normal little routine, and for some reason I was just getting distracted by my own thoughts in my head. I mean I thought it's been 6 and a half months now, and I still haven't moved on yet. I guess what's bugging me the most is that he is better than me so much better than me & I can't seem to shake it off. He has got something that I worked way to hard for spent my life working and buying things out of my reach like a stupid engagement ring that I never got to give to her. After 4 years I thought she was actually going to be the one I settled down with & finally I was going to be with someone who I was going to enjoy life with all to have it thrown in my face. I don't understand I was perfectly fine before I met her, and now I can't seem to get my mind together. So I have finally had enough I keep a memory box with all the stuff she ever gave me, and her pictures & all her letters to me some teddy bears, and stuff like that & I finally came up with the decision that I was going to burn it all... So that's what I did, I went to my fire-pit and threw in the box watched as the brightest flames burned out. All that time and effort burned in a matter of seconds and now I guess I have to try, and explain how I feel about it... I don't feel nothing. I just can't believe it's illegal to talk to her I can't even call her phone without the risk of getting thrown in jail. I don't think anyone really understands how that feels. I opened my whole life to her and let her mold a sensitive spot in my heart, and believe me I have tried to move on. I have tried to go out with other girls who find interest in me, but I just can't do it. Almost like I am haunted & she is always there watching me. I want these feelings gone... I just want to enjoy myself again I just want to be happy again, but I know I can never find happiness in her again because it would be wrong to take her back after all that she has done to break me down. I went to Downtown Disney the other day for a friends concert at the House of Blues in Anaheim, and I stayed and listened to my friends band play & it was awesome, but for some reason I just wanted to walk around & be alone...in such a happy place full of misery and heartbreak. I don't understand why I go through theses times when I should be having fun. Seems like I will never get better & everyone always tries to tell me time heals all things, but really? When will I get healed? Well today I took the first steps in that process by burning all the things she ever gave me, but here I am still feeling the same just bitter and I almost feel bad about burning all her things she worked to give to me...I cried when I burned it I guess you can say I regret doing it, but there is nothing to do about that now. I feel like I need to go away, but I have been away it just does nothing except increase the pain and opens up more like me just tuck tail and running away from my problems which is never how I handle things. But what do you do when the truth isn't quite enough? & What do you do when people are telling us we need to break it up? I don't know why people hate me so much I feel like I deserve some kind of good happening to me, and I guess there is good around me I just fail to see it through...mostly because I am see through to her. Just treats me like I am see through and my heart feels like it's made of glass...