Tonight...

It has been raining here nonstop all day long, I have just been sitting around wondering if she has been thinking about me. I know that it's probably not true how can someone just forget? Like if I looked into her eyes is there even a hint of affection left? Maybe I messed up just that bad but she is the only thing that has brought me love, haven't had a whole lot of girls in my life and if I could have her then I swear I'd be done searching. I'm just trying to be the man that will make this work, but for some reason I feel held back from all that we did, all the money I had dropped on her, she had me in a love trap and made me so happy, I sure do miss those times maybe it's because nobody has ever showed me so much attention before, and I just got hooked onto it. Even before we dated I would always walk by her in school and think man she is beautiful yeah she had my eyes opened wide I was sitting back hoping just hoping. Well I have successful ruined our relationship due to my exsessive drug problem which I have fixed. All those sleepless night just think maybe just maybe she will come back to me wow was I wrong I feel as though I have been doing all this for nothing. People respect me more now that I have quit drugs and everyone always tells me how proud of me they are, but you couldn't change her reflection of my past it's a permanent mark that I have on me to her. I don't get why I got so addicted to drugs, I was so in love with her and at the same time I was in love with drugs. She probably thinks I'm so disgusting and seriously nothing has hurt my heart more than to realize that. Mixed feelings all into one and I don't know what to make of it, I remember I used to pick her up every morning before school and we would talk but the one day she told me that she didn't appreciate my drug problem I was so upset she definatly took time to think of what she was going to say to me and how she was going to bring it up, I was a little impressed I know this because I was speechless the  whole entire time, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't crying after I recieved this, I just dropped her off and went straight home feeling sick to my stomach I remember saying to myself how stupid and pathetic I was these are all true. I am stupid and I am pathetic I have successfully ruined the single best thing that has happened to me, almost like how am I ever going to replace her? Will another girl give me the attention that she did?? probably not just lying to myself thinking there is another girl out there for me. I did meet this girl who is really sweet but I'm pretty sure she doesn't feel the same way but hey what else is new? I can't hold on to anything that is good for me.  I don't know why I have been thinking about it so much latley maybe because I'm sitting out my window looking at all this bad weather not knowing how I am going to put myself back together. How is she running through my mind when I'm knowing that she shouldn't be, I lie to everyone when they ask about her to me I just say "naw I don't think about her it's like whatever" when deep down she knows what she does to me I got it bad thats what you can call that. I definatly miss all the little things she did for me. I never ever had this kind of problem in my life yup this is the first time dealing with this kind of fight, but is it wrong for me to feel this way? I have been trying to get her off my mind but I can't after all this time and it kills me. I highly doubt any of you guys are gunna read this but writting this makes me feel like I have accomplished something. I kinda feel better but this rain does it to me every single time...