Lost

Crapped my pants at Cub Scouts tonite, of all the dang places. I am at a loss of what to do anymore. My wife says it is ok to be mad and scream and yell but I just dont feel like it. I feel as though I should be upset and maybe there is something wrong with me, other than crapping myself anyway. Have I just accepted this as my life? Am I friggin retarded? Am I just numb to it all? The questions go on and on. This is my life and what can I do about it. It is not a terrible existence I still do most things that I want with some limitations of course. Maybe I should be pissed at the world but I am not, I dont understand what I have become, a monster perhaps or a better person. I would like to believe the latter and I truly do. Why should I be mad? What purpose would it serve? I know I am sick of being experimented on by Doctors that I can say for sure. I realize shitting myself is not a good thing and want it to stop but who is going to help me? Every new doc has his own ideas and ego that needs to be stroked so maybe i am just another notch on the belt. Another victory in waiting for them, waiting for them to cure me so they can march around with their chest puffed out saying I told you so. I told you I would fix you but you just did not want to listen.
Is putting a gun in my mouth a solution, I used to think so. But my life has meaning and  purpose now. The daily struggle sucks but I refuse to take the cowards way out, no matter what the fuck happens I cannot quit. My focus is on the hope that tomorrow will bring answers, it could be the day when this all becomes a dream. Not a bad dream just a dream that has taught me so much and brought me to the edge of complete disaster then gave me an appreciation of lifes little things. I want to sit down and bawl somedays and just give up but quitting is not an option. God please give me the strength to make it thru this just one more day. Let me see the sunrise when I am an old man with my grandchildren around me, let me see my son become a man then I can quit. Let me die an old man with a lifetime of great memories.
I dont want to be mad, I just want to be me and if that means running to bathrooms 10 times a day then so be it. Not my problem if people dont like it or me, love it or leave it.
Is running and hiding a solution, absolutely but where would I run where would I hide. Not an option either!
i just dont know right now what to do. Live with it, go to more docs, take more meds, scream and yell, or live my life the best I can.
WHAT DO I DO?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????