Lost
Crapped my pants at Cub Scouts tonite, of all the dang places. I am at a loss of what to do anymore. My wife says it is ok to be mad and scream and yell but I just dont feel like it. I feel as though I should be upset and maybe there is something wrong with me, other than crapping myself anyway. Have I just accepted this as my life? Am I friggin retarded? Am I just numb to it all? The questions go on and on. This is my life and what can I do about it. It is not a terrible existence I still do most things that I want with some limitations of course. Maybe I should be pissed at the world but I am not, I dont understand what I have become, a monster perhaps or a better person. I would like to believe the latter and I truly do. Why should I be mad? What purpose would it serve? I know I am sick of being experimented on by Doctors that I can say for sure. I realize shitting myself is not a good thing and want it to stop but who is going to help me? Every new doc has his own ideas and ego that needs to be stroked so maybe i am just another notch on the belt. Another victory in waiting for them, waiting for them to cure me so they can march around with their chest puffed out saying I told you so. I told you I would fix you but you just did not want to listen.
Is putting a gun in my mouth a solution, I used to think so. But my life has meaning and purpose now. The daily struggle sucks but I refuse to take the cowards way out, no matter what the fuck happens I cannot quit. My focus is on the hope that tomorrow will bring answers, it could be the day when this all becomes a dream. Not a bad dream just a dream that has taught me so much and brought me to the edge of complete disaster then gave me an appreciation of lifes little things. I want to sit down and bawl somedays and just give up but quitting is not an option. God please give me the strength to make it thru this just one more day. Let me see the sunrise when I am an old man with my grandchildren around me, let me see my son become a man then I can quit. Let me die an old man with a lifetime of great memories.
I dont want to be mad, I just want to be me and if that means running to bathrooms 10 times a day then so be it. Not my problem if people dont like it or me, love it or leave it.
Is running and hiding a solution, absolutely but where would I run where would I hide. Not an option either!
i just dont know right now what to do. Live with it, go to more docs, take more meds, scream and yell, or live my life the best I can.
WHAT DO I DO?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Is putting a gun in my mouth a solution, I used to think so. But my life has meaning and purpose now. The daily struggle sucks but I refuse to take the cowards way out, no matter what the fuck happens I cannot quit. My focus is on the hope that tomorrow will bring answers, it could be the day when this all becomes a dream. Not a bad dream just a dream that has taught me so much and brought me to the edge of complete disaster then gave me an appreciation of lifes little things. I want to sit down and bawl somedays and just give up but quitting is not an option. God please give me the strength to make it thru this just one more day. Let me see the sunrise when I am an old man with my grandchildren around me, let me see my son become a man then I can quit. Let me die an old man with a lifetime of great memories.
I dont want to be mad, I just want to be me and if that means running to bathrooms 10 times a day then so be it. Not my problem if people dont like it or me, love it or leave it.
Is running and hiding a solution, absolutely but where would I run where would I hide. Not an option either!
i just dont know right now what to do. Live with it, go to more docs, take more meds, scream and yell, or live my life the best I can.
WHAT DO I DO?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Replies
Charlie, from the little I know about you, I see a strong and determined man who puts home and family first. I know you have been going through a lot of shit (no pun, honest!) in your life with these medical struggles, but I think you will perservere, and win this battle. My God, man, if for no other reason, your son needs you at this time in his life to be there for him, to teach him right from wrong, to show him the way to becoming a strong, caring man who has his priorities straight. Like you. It sounds like your wife is 100% on your side too, and man, if you did not have a good partner to weather this storm with, your life would be even tougher. I can speak from experience, but not here.
What do you do, you ask? Well, you know the answer to that my friend, you keep fighting, you never give up, ever. When the going gets tough, THE TOUGH GET GOING. Now get out there and win this game!
TobyM.
I don\'t know you very well at all, but from what I do know you are a really wonderful person, You\'ve already helped me and I feel I have support which is essential right now. Maybe getting angry doesn\'t help (although you seem a little pissed at the Doctors haha) but I don\'t think the alternative is to accept it either. It\'s your body, your life, I\'d say after all this time you\'ve learnt so much about yourself and others and life and the universe! So it\'s ok to say you\'ve had enough! You will get better Charlie, I can sense these things you know ;) You deserve your health and you\'ll get it. Keep going! Keep going! Keep going! (and drink aloe vera) Keep going! Keep going! And thank you again for the help you\'ve offered me.
Love Bonnie
Charlie I so enjopy your sense of humor and encouragement you give to me and others. Now I only hope I can give you some. It sounds like you have wondeful life with your wife and son, plus a lot of fish that need catching. Every once in a while a person just needs to vent. I had one of those lately but I just sit and cry. It is our bodies way to coping. You have so much to give and and the Lord will see you through this. We are better people for having this IBD cause it helps us understand what other people are going through. Please keep fighting. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Hi Charlie,
You do become numb to it. It\'s from adapting to your situation. For 2 years I had no diagnosis, but I was crapping myself almost daily, bleeding, anemic etc. I was a shell of myself, and yet, went to work every day, did all my family duties, and stuff. It almost becomes manageable in a weird way, and you think, ok this is just me from now on. But then once you find the right treatment, and you find that you aren\'t shitting yourself every day, that you have more energy, one day you look back and think, how the fuck did I ever resign myself to that being \"normal\"?? Only when you\'re well can you really appreciate how sick you are. Pooping ourselves is evidence that the disease is out of control. When it\'s in remission, we don\'t shit ourselves, so your focus must be on getting this stuff under control. And you do that however you can- new docs, new diet, new meds, whatever. I know that seems like, why bother, but what do you really have to lose at this point.
This is such a mean disease. Mean.
I\'m with you brother.
Rachelle
So sorry that you are so down right now, but don\'t you dare give up!!! Don\'t let the disease win !!!! There are other things you can try. I don\'t care how many doctors you have to see or how many drugs you have to try, you can\'t give up!!
Your family needs you!!! And so do all of us here on DS. What would we do without your quotes every day and your support!
Do you take a probiotic and immodium? If not try them, they help. I was told to put Benefiber in my coffee in the morning ( you can\'t taste it ), take the probiotic and I always take immodium about an hour before I have to leave the house. Have you ever tried Canasa suppositories? They helped me a lot, maybe you could talk to your doctor about them if you have ins., if not they are expensive, but there has to be other things to try. I know you don\'t want to even think about it, but what about wearing depends until your condition is under control? I have done that a few times in the past. Whatever you try or don\'t try, please don\'t give up!!! Your wife and son need you too much, to even consider giving up. I know we have probably all thought about it , I know I did for a while when it was really bad, but hang in there. DO NOT LET THE DISEASE WIN !!!!YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!
You are in my prayers !!!
Lots of hugs, Jean
I hate that you are having to go through this. I hate that any of us have to. It\'s not fair and it\'s not fun and it\'s not \"normal\". But for right now it is our lives. Part of it anyway. I know it sometimes feels like your whole life revolves around a bathroom or medicine or what you can and cant do. You get up and you do what you gotta do cause thats what you have to do. Your wife and son need you and you know that. The alternative options shouldnt even be an option. You have figured out how to make something that so many of us struggle with a postitive thing in your life. Accepting that it\'s making you stronger as a person and making you a blessing to so many people (the above are just a few I\'m sure). Being ok with things does not make you stupid it means you are dealing with your problems in a grown up manner. Always fight to get better cause you deserve it, but never think you\'re not ok exactly the way you are.
Charlie, you are a fantastic person, you cheer me up every day. You have just got to keep on kicking. I know how you feel, I can\'t be cross, this is my life, and I have learnt to work round it. I too just can\'t feel cross. I look forward to hearing from you soon