17 Years Tomorrow
Tomorrow is our 17th wedding anniversary.
Mixed feelings. Last year I was heavily medicated for my slipped disc and still in a daze, only a month out from DDay. We went a town away for spa treatments and a hotel stay. I remember being so grateful for the massage - just to be touched and NOT by H. I just wanted to be held and cuddled and comforted - and NOT by H. I was trying to open myself back up to him, but finding it extremely difficult.
He lied that weekend. OW texted him on our anniversary. Snarky shit about "Gee, I'm sure you're busy with other things, but I need your time and attention, too!" He kept his responses professional and work related, but he covered it up and only came clean (and only partially, clean, he still lied) when I went to look on our cell provider's website for information and he freaked because he realized I would be able to see the records of his texting.
I found out about the texting after the weekend we'd spent together. It ruined the whole thing, even though after initial iciness I warmed up and we had a nice time. It felt (again) like everything was a lie - our whole marriage.
We're going out of town again this weekend. We're going where neither of us have ever been, which is something we both enjoy. It's adventure without the trauma and drama of moving all the time (which is what H would like to do if he had his druthers.) I WANT to be with him this time. I WANT him to touch and cuddle and hold me. But. I'm still anxious. I know that my emotional state can still be volatile and that on a dime my mood can change if something triggers. H has carefully avoided sending/receiving ANY texts, even to his family. His parents actually sent a card with a check for our anniversary and usually he'd just send a thank-you text rather than investing in a call. (His family is so weird like that.)
Anyhoo. Things are different this year. I have to keep bringing myself to THIS moment and not reliving past moments. It's work, though. The irrational side of me keeps feeling like I'm going to let my guard down, enjoy the weekend, and then have it all ripped away when I find out YET ANOTHER THING. Or that she'll call. Or that she'll email. Or... something. And worse - that he'll hide/cover up/lie about it.
Deep breath.
Last night I was pretty twitchy emotionally, and it lead to an argument. The thing that struck me is that he wants to stick his head in the sand and pretend nothing is wrong - OR - he wants to push blame on me. It started out ok enough - H ducked his head in the sand initially, which left me feeling really abandoned, but then he finally said something to the effect of, "I can see you're upset - is there something I should be doing for you?" It's something our MC tried to teach him in counseling - rather than ignoring the fact that I'm visibly upset, to check in with me and ask if he can do anything. His wording and tone sort of irritated me, though, as it felt as if he were just OH SO BURDENED by my very existence, but then I realized it's not worth nit picking over. He was doing what I wanted him to do, even if it wasn't "exactly right". Ball was in my court.
It's hard when I'm so sensitive and hurt because I can't identify what I need/want right off. Or at all, sometimes. I just hurt and I want to STOP hurting. I'm just mad and I want to lash out. I dunno. If I take a few minutes to get to the core of the issue, rather than just saying "I feel ____" then I can usually examine what I need better, but my inclination is to just say how I feel, which doesn't help him. (Or me, if I'm going to be honest with myself.) I have to take it a step further.
I took six slow, deep breaths and then told him I needed him to be affectionate with me in that moment as reassurance that things were going to be ok. He's not good at verbal reassurance and I have a hard time coaching him through it when I'm feeling so wretched myself, so it's usually better to start physical and then work to verbal if I still need it. It's so hard when I'm "in the moment" though because I want him to just KNOW and DO. I need HIM to take care of ME in those moments, not ME to take care of HIM. Yeah, stepping back right *now* I can realize that taking care of each other gets the job done, but in the moment... well. Yeah.
At any rate, he halfass held my hand and then just sat there zoning out. Whether he was in actuality or not, it felt like he was in avoidance mode. Again, my pressing need for verbal reassurance got in the way and I couldn't just accept that he was "trying". Trying wasn't good enough in that moment and I didn't know how to express to him what I needed. Resentment built up and I tried to explain to him that I was feeling emotionally left out in the cold... again, telling him how I feel rather than telling him what I need.
And that's when it began. He pushed it off on me.
"Well you pulled away when I tried to hold your hand!" WTF? He was holding my hand. I hadn't pulled away. I don't know what the hell he was talking about but that just made me lose it. I HATE it when I'm struggling and trying to tell him how I feel and he invalidates it with "Well, I did ___ and you just couldn't accept it so it's YOUR fault." WTH?? SRSLY?
Things spiraled out of control at that point. We went into push/pull mode with our arguing and it was so pointless and unproductive.
I guess I felt like I was trying to do the "right" thing and he felt he was trying to do the "right" thing, and in the end we each weren't quite getting to where the other person's head space was so we both were feeling resentful and ... I don't know. Invalidated?
It's so hard in those moments. I know we're doing it "wrong" but I don't know how to do it "right". I spent years letting him get away with bullshit moves and just smiling outside, dying inside and excusing his behavior. I can't (WON'T) do that anymore. I deserve better. However, I know I can't just automatically be in combat mode, either. If I can't give an inch, he won't.
Ugh.
I'm hoping that last night cleared the air for a nice weekend because I don't think I have the strength to weather through a rough weekend on our anniversary. I NEED A WIN, dammit.
Mixed feelings. Last year I was heavily medicated for my slipped disc and still in a daze, only a month out from DDay. We went a town away for spa treatments and a hotel stay. I remember being so grateful for the massage - just to be touched and NOT by H. I just wanted to be held and cuddled and comforted - and NOT by H. I was trying to open myself back up to him, but finding it extremely difficult.
He lied that weekend. OW texted him on our anniversary. Snarky shit about "Gee, I'm sure you're busy with other things, but I need your time and attention, too!" He kept his responses professional and work related, but he covered it up and only came clean (and only partially, clean, he still lied) when I went to look on our cell provider's website for information and he freaked because he realized I would be able to see the records of his texting.
I found out about the texting after the weekend we'd spent together. It ruined the whole thing, even though after initial iciness I warmed up and we had a nice time. It felt (again) like everything was a lie - our whole marriage.
We're going out of town again this weekend. We're going where neither of us have ever been, which is something we both enjoy. It's adventure without the trauma and drama of moving all the time (which is what H would like to do if he had his druthers.) I WANT to be with him this time. I WANT him to touch and cuddle and hold me. But. I'm still anxious. I know that my emotional state can still be volatile and that on a dime my mood can change if something triggers. H has carefully avoided sending/receiving ANY texts, even to his family. His parents actually sent a card with a check for our anniversary and usually he'd just send a thank-you text rather than investing in a call. (His family is so weird like that.)
Anyhoo. Things are different this year. I have to keep bringing myself to THIS moment and not reliving past moments. It's work, though. The irrational side of me keeps feeling like I'm going to let my guard down, enjoy the weekend, and then have it all ripped away when I find out YET ANOTHER THING. Or that she'll call. Or that she'll email. Or... something. And worse - that he'll hide/cover up/lie about it.
Deep breath.
Last night I was pretty twitchy emotionally, and it lead to an argument. The thing that struck me is that he wants to stick his head in the sand and pretend nothing is wrong - OR - he wants to push blame on me. It started out ok enough - H ducked his head in the sand initially, which left me feeling really abandoned, but then he finally said something to the effect of, "I can see you're upset - is there something I should be doing for you?" It's something our MC tried to teach him in counseling - rather than ignoring the fact that I'm visibly upset, to check in with me and ask if he can do anything. His wording and tone sort of irritated me, though, as it felt as if he were just OH SO BURDENED by my very existence, but then I realized it's not worth nit picking over. He was doing what I wanted him to do, even if it wasn't "exactly right". Ball was in my court.
It's hard when I'm so sensitive and hurt because I can't identify what I need/want right off. Or at all, sometimes. I just hurt and I want to STOP hurting. I'm just mad and I want to lash out. I dunno. If I take a few minutes to get to the core of the issue, rather than just saying "I feel ____" then I can usually examine what I need better, but my inclination is to just say how I feel, which doesn't help him. (Or me, if I'm going to be honest with myself.) I have to take it a step further.
I took six slow, deep breaths and then told him I needed him to be affectionate with me in that moment as reassurance that things were going to be ok. He's not good at verbal reassurance and I have a hard time coaching him through it when I'm feeling so wretched myself, so it's usually better to start physical and then work to verbal if I still need it. It's so hard when I'm "in the moment" though because I want him to just KNOW and DO. I need HIM to take care of ME in those moments, not ME to take care of HIM. Yeah, stepping back right *now* I can realize that taking care of each other gets the job done, but in the moment... well. Yeah.
At any rate, he halfass held my hand and then just sat there zoning out. Whether he was in actuality or not, it felt like he was in avoidance mode. Again, my pressing need for verbal reassurance got in the way and I couldn't just accept that he was "trying". Trying wasn't good enough in that moment and I didn't know how to express to him what I needed. Resentment built up and I tried to explain to him that I was feeling emotionally left out in the cold... again, telling him how I feel rather than telling him what I need.
And that's when it began. He pushed it off on me.
"Well you pulled away when I tried to hold your hand!" WTF? He was holding my hand. I hadn't pulled away. I don't know what the hell he was talking about but that just made me lose it. I HATE it when I'm struggling and trying to tell him how I feel and he invalidates it with "Well, I did ___ and you just couldn't accept it so it's YOUR fault." WTH?? SRSLY?
Things spiraled out of control at that point. We went into push/pull mode with our arguing and it was so pointless and unproductive.
I guess I felt like I was trying to do the "right" thing and he felt he was trying to do the "right" thing, and in the end we each weren't quite getting to where the other person's head space was so we both were feeling resentful and ... I don't know. Invalidated?
It's so hard in those moments. I know we're doing it "wrong" but I don't know how to do it "right". I spent years letting him get away with bullshit moves and just smiling outside, dying inside and excusing his behavior. I can't (WON'T) do that anymore. I deserve better. However, I know I can't just automatically be in combat mode, either. If I can't give an inch, he won't.
Ugh.
I'm hoping that last night cleared the air for a nice weekend because I don't think I have the strength to weather through a rough weekend on our anniversary. I NEED A WIN, dammit.
Replies
First of all, happy anniversary! Reading your post, my post, others\' posts, makes me realize yet again that this is so very common. Sometimes things really do boil down to men are from Mars and women are from Venus. We need to learn each other\'s language. Sadly though, I think us women make more of an effort to learn than the men. Anyway, try to stay in the moment and enjoy your anniversary. Life is made up of moments, which is what I have learned. Hugs.