17.Nov.14: IT TOOK A LITTLE OVER A WEEK?!
Last Wed.11/12...I sat in my therapist's office slightly upbeat...I had just returned from my annual 5 day R&R and was still coming down off of that deceptive high.My therapist warned me...that she was worried about what would happen when reality and the depression hit as it would...I worried a little too-then forgot about it.
Well...it took about a week...and now it's back...I spent all day yesterday in bed sleeping...and when I was awake, I was sad...thinking and rethinking about all the negative realities in my life...all the things I have to do and don't want to do...thinking about how tired I am and how I still have a month left in school this semester!!!...thinking about how I haven't done anything that I have to do...UGH!
I just don't know what to do...I am so miserable and depressed that I just want to die...but I can't...I am back to that place where I find no joy in anything...no hope...I am just here...and don't want to be!
While I was on R&R, I was just faking it...I was wearing the good ole everything is fine mask...and wearing it is tiring/exhausting...cause I have to work so hard at pretending that everything is okay when it is not...everything is so NOT OKAY...which is why I stopped doing everything...because I don't want to pretend that everything is okay when it is not okay...LIFE JUST SUCKS...and I am sick and tired of it!!!
Well? That's all for now...I am going back to bed!
Well...it took about a week...and now it's back...I spent all day yesterday in bed sleeping...and when I was awake, I was sad...thinking and rethinking about all the negative realities in my life...all the things I have to do and don't want to do...thinking about how tired I am and how I still have a month left in school this semester!!!...thinking about how I haven't done anything that I have to do...UGH!
I just don't know what to do...I am so miserable and depressed that I just want to die...but I can't...I am back to that place where I find no joy in anything...no hope...I am just here...and don't want to be!
While I was on R&R, I was just faking it...I was wearing the good ole everything is fine mask...and wearing it is tiring/exhausting...cause I have to work so hard at pretending that everything is okay when it is not...everything is so NOT OKAY...which is why I stopped doing everything...because I don't want to pretend that everything is okay when it is not okay...LIFE JUST SUCKS...and I am sick and tired of it!!!
Well? That's all for now...I am going back to bed!
Replies
I do as you do and where the \'everything is fine\' mask much of the time. In the winter months I find it is much worse. I have stopped doing everything too. Not driving, not going to appts., etc. I think you will find that in the spring things will look better. Just find a hobby or something to keep yourself busy until then.
I used to be just like that hun, I went through a lot, especially when I lost my parents. I found it difficult to cope, and I didn\'t want others to know that I was unhappy. As everytime that fact was shown to them, they backed off, as they didn\'t know what to do with me.
You have to reach a point where you decide that you are going to make decisions for your own life, not for what others think about you. Others don\'t know you, many will never know you, what exactly do you owe them? Nothing!
But, what do you owe yourself? Everything! You have done the right first thing by recognizing that you have a problem, now lets fix it. Start by loving yourself and carrying about yourself. Then you can start making small changes in your life one by one till you can reach a complete serenity.
But, as a added bennifit, the more you are ok, the more others will be around you. So, if you do plan to go to parties or be the solcial type, the more you are at peace with yourself, the more it will rub off onto others.
Depression is a state of mind, a choice that you have made, even if its a unconscious decision. You have to make the choice to be happy, you have to want to change. Go ahead, and make the first step towards an inner peace, I have faith in you, I know you can do it. :)
Ashley