1:50am - feeling nervous about sleep...once again. I did got some sleep from 8:00pm to 11:30pm. I am exhausted right now and have taken half of my night time pills. I think what my shrink and I tapped into is very true....I do not sleep because I fear not being in control. This started somewhere between the ages of 6 and 9yrs. My mom died when I was 6 and I HATED to sleep alone or with the lights off after that. At 8 years old my aunt killed herself in middle of the night - I was awoken by my father's sobs. My aunt lived across the country in LA and he felt powerless and didn't know what to do. I didn't understand what had happened - all I knew was my father was sobbing and something was VERY wrong. I have been a "light" sleeper ever since. The only time it was an advantage was when I was a camp counselor and my campers would try to sneak out in the night...I would watch them plot the whole thing and nab them just as they were hitting the door - lipglossed and all. They never got past me. It was funny at the time...it is not funny now. Due to my lack of REM (as per the Sleep Center at Columbia Presp in NYC) I am exhausted and depressed. This is why I am late to work EVERYDAY and it has effected my job. My reviews are slamming EXCEPT for me being late. I am a director and it looks bad. All of these meds just don't help. It is now time to deal with it in therapy and CBT. I need to learn to let go of the control and not fear it. I do sleep with the lights out at least.How does one redirect an old pattern? This behavior runs DEEP. I was late for school everyday - I need to forgive myself for that, but change the sleep behavior. The other thing is...I was/am on time for big events or if I am responsible for another person getting somewhere ontime. So I can get there...if I must. I have never missed an early morning flight - even if I have to be out at 4:00am - I am there - no matter how little I have slept. So there are 2 issues here. My fear of sleep (lack of control) and my choice to be late (also seems to be a control issue - my "fuck you" to authority...or people who have left me. I PRAY that CBT or DBT can help. I think it is pretty amazing that at 36 years old....30 years later...we have finally figured it out! I have been talking about these issues in therapy since I was at least 12 years (the late thing). The why I don't sleep (or the fact that I really don't - is new to me...I never realized how bad it was - it is THAT bad). I will calmly take these thoughts to bed with me and see if I can forgive myself for all the years of lateness and recognize the fear and acknowledge how childish it is. This fear of mine was developed by my 6 year old self....I think it is time for the adult to let it go. Sigh, night.
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