One of my oldest and dearest friends came into the city today to help me "get out there" - it was also the hottest day of the year (ugh!).  Success!  I did not feel disconnected (depersonalized).  We had fun and we walked a ton....the heat beat me - not the chemical inbalance. This was the best day I have had in 3 months.  It was a great 4 hours.  My day was not without tears and mania - but it was a pretty good day.  It is the first time in months that I felt some hope.  I had major issues with sleep once again last night.  I met my goal of being in bed by 12:00am.  Fell asleep by 1:00 and woke up again around 4:00am.  Tried mediation and breathing.  Saw the sunrise AGAIN.  This made the morning extra challenging when my friend was ready to roll by 11:30am.  This is another reason to feel pretty good about today - I usually have increased panic if I don't sleep.    I took a hard core nap at 5:00pm today until about 7:30pm - the heat and lack of sleep became too much. (I have been avoiding naps for a few weeks hoping it will help my sleep - it made no difference).I spoke with the Day  (Stepdown program from the hospital I was in a few weeks back) that I would like to attend and it really sounds like a fit.  I need to pass the intake process and they are currently trying to contact my doctor.  It will be expensive and I don't know how much will be covered by insurance - but I will find the money somehow...somewhere.  My first goal will be getting out of the house by 9:30am to get there.  First by cab and hopefully in a few weeks....the big goal...by subway.  If I am well enough to be on the subway...I am close to being well enough to work.  Small steps, big meaning. (Have not been on the subway in about 8 months!) - cabs are VERY expensive.My folks (Dad and Stepmom) have really pissed me off....once again.  They came into NYC yesterday from Long Island and did not tell me until their day was done here.  I have not seen them since I was in the hospital a month ago (my first time in a hospital ever- for anything).  They seem to be taking my illness personally.  I find it difficult to speak with them EVERYDAY about my "status" and when I told them this they were offened rather then hearing my words of appreciation and self protection. They said the understood - but yesterday's actions show me otherwise.  It is difficult to report to your loved ones everyday how you are doing when any inprovement  is really only seen over weeks - not days.  It becomes painful to tell people over and over, that you are NOT doing well and that you are in great emotional pain. I just can't win with them.  It would have been nice to be given the "choice" to see them yesterday, rather then them either assuming that I would not be up for it or acting out against me by not being "good" parents.  This is when not having a "real" Mom hurts....even at 36 years old.  A real Mom would not care how sick you are, she would bring food for the house knowing that I don't get out to shop.  She would not act wounded by me not being able to talk to her everyday...she would understand that is what I need.  My stepmom would bring food to HER daughter and she does.  My father needs to take responsibility for this too.  A big big part.  "Hey, we are going in the the city next week, we should see out daughter".  What happened there?  Now I need to figure out if it is worth going there with them....or just let it go by expressing my pain here and just return my focus to my health.  I will need their financial support for the day program - and as shitty as that seems....it will get us all to the ultimate goal...which is my health and my life back on track. Sigh...oh what to do with this.  If they have not done this to me so many times, it would be easy to let it go....but I am just starting to talk about my anger towards them in therapy, so this is pretty fresh.  They treated me MUCH worse when I had cancer - so I know how bad it can get.  The only difference now is I am an adult who recognizes that you cannot change the person, only how you respond to that person.Ok, sleep meds kicking in.... maybe tonight will be the night I finally sleep....