It is 3:30 am and this is at least the 5th night in a row that I have been up at this hour.  I have taken 45mgs of Restoril, 25 mgs of Benedryl, .25 of Klonopin, 50 mgs of Atenolol (rapid heart rate from Cymbalta withdrawal and my doctor thinks a calmer heart rate will help settle me) and 300mgs of Trileptal (75 mgs of Lamictal in the am with my Synthroid and the other 50 of the heart med)....this is ALL as per my doctor who is amazing.  I maybe able to sleep if I were to try, but I get anxious at night.  I am doing this very much alone and with each passing day it is getting harder and harder for me to imagine that I will ever lead a "normal" life again.  This medical leave that I started on April 10th was the right choice (I could not "push though" one more day), I just never imagined it would get THIS bad!  My goal for medical leave was to finally get off of Cymbalta...I accomplished that and unleashed a much bigger issue.  I just wish there was somewhere I could go for help.  Not a locked ward - that made it worse and most hospitals do not have one on one talk therapy.  My big issue for the past 3+ years has been a disconnected feeling (I have recently learned that it is called Depersonalization) - this feeling is really bad right now and it is difficult for me to leave my apartment. I only step outside 2 to 3 days a week - that is for doctor, cash and CVS. The depression is painful. My insurance is GREAT - but no insurance co supports hospitalization for just medication stabilzation and therapy.  I cannot afford it out of pocket.  I need intensive therapy and group with people like me while we find the right meds and the right levels.  I need to meet other HIGH functioning people with the same issues.  My career has been everything to me - it has been my strength and my fight....I now see it slipping away.  Is there anyone on the other side of this?  An executive that slipped into a bipolar depression/hypomania and got their life back, but better?  My weight is one of the most painful issues in ALL of this.  I am over a 120 pounds overweight - 60 of that thanks to Cymbalta.  It wasn't the drug, it was the hypomanic state the drug put me in....which seemed more like anxiety and I stuffed my face for comfort.  I know that none of this is my fault....but I cannot fix it.  I have to trust in the process and stop fighting the current....it is just so hard not to have control, that is the hardest part for me.  It seems that is why I don't sleep....the lack of control during sleep.  I just can't let go and feel safe.  Too many early childhood losses have messed up my sleep.  Ugh!  I just want to be free from this.