ok i have never written in my journal before. i am a little bit drunk and have just come from a niteclub where i had to leave from. i wasn't particularly freaked out but i could see it coming, so i left. i was with my sister and basically going out with her group of friends. they were nice people and i liked them mostly but i was subtly paranoid around them. it was ok for the start of the night but i could feel as the night progressed their attitude towards me decrease from polite interest to negative drunken rejection. i think i was mostly worried about how i came across for my sisters sake..maybe. when i am out by myself with only me to worry about don't care. but for some reason i felt that my true self wasn't worthy for this group. what the fuck is that about? i know that if i was myself i would be ok. and i was myself mostly. but any sense of rejection fomr anybody just cripples me. depressing and self destructive thoughts just start to flow. once tthat happens i am absolutly no fun to be around and it is impossible to explain this to somebody in the short term so i just come across as an asshole. i really want to get along with people but my own lack confidence in myself prevents me from this. i don't know what is wrong. i feel like if i really am myself without restriction i will offend somebody or present myself as a bad guy, even though in my heart i know i don't have no bad intentions. i don't seem to be able to stand my ground and be proud of myself. any question about what i am just freaks me out. i am completly afraid to express myself amonst a group of people. please can anybody give me some confidece and self essteem? i know im not a bad guy(obviously im not perfect) but i really want to build security in myself so i have te confidence to engage honeslty and connect with people.