Bad Day
It's as if everything is going in slow-motion today. The morning started okay, but my head was a bit fuzzy. The nightmares I've been having are starting to stay with me and I don't like that. I always thought it was great that I recalled my dreams so vividly, but not anymore. I was supposed to see the NP at the suboxone clinic tomorrow, but with both me and the baby sick, it's just too much. Tuesdays are hard anyway, with Mike bowling in the evening. It's a long day and night with Jaden who is so much more active than he used to be. His cold is keeping him grumpy and I'm glad he doesn't have a BAD cold b/c he hates being stuffy. And I'm having ear aches and cough and sinus headaches.
I was looking through the list of doctors on the lists from Doctors for Pain and Race Against Pain and I saw on both sites, the names of doctors who work in the Pain Clinics here , the ones I saw. And I wonder what a doctor has to do to get on that list. I thought it was a list of docs who are compassionate. Maybe it was a mistake- that happens. But I started thinking that I am going to have a very hard time finding someone to take over for Dr. H. And I got to thinking about the pain, and the fear I have of Suboxone, and a million other things. THEN I started thinking about my foot and how much better off I'd be w/o it.
Is it THAT easy? Just chop the foot off and the RSD is gone? I recall it being mentioned (I think, in jest) when I was 1st diagnosed. Now I wonder if it's possible. I mean, maybe i wouldn't have phantom pain like others. Maybe I'd be different. After all, I have been different in that I was able to take the same dose of morphine for 14 years w/o having to increase it. My pain levels stayed low or non-existent, unless I was overdoing it or it was really, really cold. But I never had to increase my dose or take extra of anything, I just had to take it easy.
I would prefer to find a doc who would take care of me. A doctor who would just keep me on the meds I've BEEN on. But if that isn't possible, I'd rather have my foot amputated than go through that suboxone treatment. I'd obviously have to be detoxed in the hospital, still no way around that, but at least I wouldn't have to think about meds anymore! And how difficult could it be to learn to use my non-foot? I'm a fast study- I learn quickly, always have.
It's been a LONG day and I know I'm emotional. I'm so tired of having to depend on doctors for my life. Dr. H was different. He REALLY cared. He cared not only about the RSD but about how I was sleeping, about my home life, and how things were going. He loved that I traveled so much and encouraged me to continue with my job after Jaden was born. And he was SO right about that.
Going on Suboxone is like telling the world that you're a drug addict. That is what almost every website says. Suboxone is for treating addicts. Now I KNOW that pain patients take it and that they aren't addicts. But I'll bet they're TREATED as if they are. I just don't get it. WHY change my current "line-up?" The NP said "we know you're not an addict..." but if she really believes that, why are they changing my meds to one that is known not to help RSD pain? It is not a proven pain medication. And with the way I react to certain meds, I'm terrified I'd react badly to this one. Maybe I'm not making sense since I am tired and feeling low. I just am looking for the best way to live my life and be a mother, wife and writer. If amputation will do that, why wasn't it offered as an alternative?
This is all so confusing. At this point I wouldn't care if I found a pain doc to treat me from California or Alaska! I just want to find a doctor. And if that doesn't work, amputate. It's not like that foot does much for me anyway. Then again, Jaden might grow up ashamed. Ugh- I HATE having to consider this. Why is it so difficult to get proper care in this country? I'm going to have my leg cut off rather than stay in pain that COULD be controlled by the meds I've taken for years. That is ridiculous. But how else, what else....?
I was looking through the list of doctors on the lists from Doctors for Pain and Race Against Pain and I saw on both sites, the names of doctors who work in the Pain Clinics here , the ones I saw. And I wonder what a doctor has to do to get on that list. I thought it was a list of docs who are compassionate. Maybe it was a mistake- that happens. But I started thinking that I am going to have a very hard time finding someone to take over for Dr. H. And I got to thinking about the pain, and the fear I have of Suboxone, and a million other things. THEN I started thinking about my foot and how much better off I'd be w/o it.
Is it THAT easy? Just chop the foot off and the RSD is gone? I recall it being mentioned (I think, in jest) when I was 1st diagnosed. Now I wonder if it's possible. I mean, maybe i wouldn't have phantom pain like others. Maybe I'd be different. After all, I have been different in that I was able to take the same dose of morphine for 14 years w/o having to increase it. My pain levels stayed low or non-existent, unless I was overdoing it or it was really, really cold. But I never had to increase my dose or take extra of anything, I just had to take it easy.
I would prefer to find a doc who would take care of me. A doctor who would just keep me on the meds I've BEEN on. But if that isn't possible, I'd rather have my foot amputated than go through that suboxone treatment. I'd obviously have to be detoxed in the hospital, still no way around that, but at least I wouldn't have to think about meds anymore! And how difficult could it be to learn to use my non-foot? I'm a fast study- I learn quickly, always have.
It's been a LONG day and I know I'm emotional. I'm so tired of having to depend on doctors for my life. Dr. H was different. He REALLY cared. He cared not only about the RSD but about how I was sleeping, about my home life, and how things were going. He loved that I traveled so much and encouraged me to continue with my job after Jaden was born. And he was SO right about that.
Going on Suboxone is like telling the world that you're a drug addict. That is what almost every website says. Suboxone is for treating addicts. Now I KNOW that pain patients take it and that they aren't addicts. But I'll bet they're TREATED as if they are. I just don't get it. WHY change my current "line-up?" The NP said "we know you're not an addict..." but if she really believes that, why are they changing my meds to one that is known not to help RSD pain? It is not a proven pain medication. And with the way I react to certain meds, I'm terrified I'd react badly to this one. Maybe I'm not making sense since I am tired and feeling low. I just am looking for the best way to live my life and be a mother, wife and writer. If amputation will do that, why wasn't it offered as an alternative?
This is all so confusing. At this point I wouldn't care if I found a pain doc to treat me from California or Alaska! I just want to find a doctor. And if that doesn't work, amputate. It's not like that foot does much for me anyway. Then again, Jaden might grow up ashamed. Ugh- I HATE having to consider this. Why is it so difficult to get proper care in this country? I'm going to have my leg cut off rather than stay in pain that COULD be controlled by the meds I've taken for years. That is ridiculous. But how else, what else....?
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